No One Can Drive You Crazy Unless
YOU
Give Them the Keys!
Unless you’ve been living
in the Rainforest for quite some time, you’ve likely heard of the TV Guru, Dr.
Phil. Like him or not, he does have some
good advice on certain subjects. One being …. YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT
YOU. I don’t imagine he coined that
expression as I’ve seen it quoted by others but he certainly gave it notoriety.
I remember hearing that
phrase and it was one of those AH HA moments.
Once I heard that, it seemed that suddenly bad behaviour was coming out
of the woodwork. Likely, I just became
more aware of it. A classic example of
this is kids and parents and how they interact with each other. It never fails to surprise me how parents unknowingly
empower their young kids to become little Hitlers. I say empower because that’s what ends up
happening when you permit disrespectful behaviour without consequences. It’s not hard to imagine what life will be
like in THAT house hold when the five year old hits his turbulent teens!
It really isn’t just kids
and teens that have a corner on the market of poor behaviour – it’s
everywhere. Co-workers (maybe you have
someone around you that thinks you live for doing his/her work). Or the friend
that figures you really don’t mind doing all the driving and contributes nada
towards the gas (typically those kind of people keep you waiting, too).
Most of you have probably
heard of the Golden Rule, “Treat Others How You Would Like To Be Treated.” While
there is accountability for our behaviour towards others, I think it also
speaks about how we view ourselves. We are not to just lie down and be a door
mat or someone’s verbal punching bag. This
is a respect thing - how you treat others but also how you want others to treat
you.
The onus is on us – to make
sure we are respecting people’s boundaries and that we model that, but also
that we think enough of ourselves to ask that it be reciprocated. Most people will do what they know and it’s up
to you to enlighten them if what they know is incorrect. You need to be the one to take ownership of
your self-esteem. If you don’t care, why
should they?
Here’s the 20 million
dollar question - Do you even know how
you want people to treat you? You’d
think most people would but it’s amazing what we learn to live with. If having people
lipping off, swearing and physically abusing you is what you have come to
expect … then it would stand to reason that the message you may be sending is
that you are quite ok with the behaviour. Some of us don’t even realize that we allow
others to treat us poorly. Sometimes we
don’t feel we have a voice or an option (bosses come to mind). I’ve been there and in the end, leaving a
situation I couldn’t change was a very positive thing for me.
Recently, a lady and I
were having a conversation when her son stopped in to ask for the car. She reminded him that his Dad had a list of
chores for him to do first. She didn’t
say no, she just reminded him that he had an obligation to finish first. Good for you Mom! The barrage of inappropriate language that
followed blew me away. It didn’t seem
to bother her one little bit. I think I was more upset than she was. She just
shrugged her shoulders and said, “Oh, whatever.
Go! Just make sure you get those
things done!” Once he got what he
wanted, he beetled off and Mom turned to me and just rolled her eyes. Ouch, Mom
– not good! Clearly this was not a first
time incident. I couldn’t help but wonder how he talked to her when no one else
was around. It made me think back to a
conversation she and I had some time back about how stressed she was and how
hard it was having all her boys at home.
Now I understood. Not stressful
for her boys, just her!
To quote Dr. Phil, “When people are aggressive, bossy or
controlling — and then get their way — you have rewarded them for unacceptable
behaviour.” If you aren’t liking the
way people are acting towards you, consider that you may be a part of the
problem. Saying nothing, empowering
them, or giving in only further aggravates the problem. Easier said than done, eh?
So where do we draw the
line? Often any changes we make won’t
be appreciated by some people. If you
think about it . . . when someone continuously
gets what they want and suddenly that changes … are they going to like it? Likely not, but guess what … that’s not our
problem.
If you are one of those
people that has a hard time saying no to someone … buy yourself some time. Something that I’ve been working on is
saying, “I’ll get back to you tomorrow.”
I’ve practiced this on my own kids – in fact, I tell them that if they
want an answer on the spot, it’s no. If
they want to wait until I’ve thought it through – then it’s a “maybe.” Training yourself to give yourself some
distance from the request is very helpful – not easy at first but it’s like
anything . . . practice, practice, practice. The first time I did it – I was
shocked how effective it was.
Feeling that we are being
pressured into making a decision that is not good for us is . . . well . . .
not good for us. Actually then, it’s not really a decision, is it? It’s what we default to. A decision always involves “choice”.
Once you make your decision, voice it the easiest way
for you. That may mean calling and leaving a message, e-mailing or speaking
person to them in person. Whatever you
decide - make it brief - you don’t need to give them a half dozen reasons or
excuses. Short and sweet and walk away. Run away, if you have to - lol. Phrases like, “Now’s not a good time for me
but thanks for asking,” or “I wished I could but my family obligations are
keeping me far too busy already.”
I’m not saying we have to
say no to everything but if it’s not something that works for us … it’s up to us to put on our big girl panties
and stand up for ourselves. At times,
people may not even realize that we really don’t want to do something - especially
if in the past our responses have typically been a “yes”.
They probably won’t like it and that might be really apparent when we
speak to them, but again … “that’s not our problem.” We have to do what is best for us.
Years ago I had a
situation where I felt pressured into saying yes to something I really didn’t
want to do. I felt dismissed and
co-erced into it. In the end, it was a
bad decision for our family. When I
finally decided to change the situation, the other people involved were NOT
HAPPY (to put it mildly) but I knew that telling them that it was not working
for our family was the right thing to do.
That was an empowering moment.
They tried to change my mind but I simply said, “Sorry, but this is not
working for us.” Things were very
cool between us for a few years but the weight that was lifted from my
shoulders was incredible. I had to tell
myself over and over for quite some time (whenever I started feeling guilty), “This
was the right decision.” Sometimes it’s hard to say no to “good things” but
they never should be at the expense of “great things” (my family’s
sanity).
It might seem that people
take advantage of your good nature or a situation – that happens. Often, I don’t think people mean to – they may
simply have an agenda that they need to take care of. That being said, the responsibility is on you
to make your boundaries clear.
Boundaries include all sorts of things – one being in how you want
others to hear you and respect your decisions.
We often get defensive,
upset, or our knickers in a knot (borrowing an old-school expression here) in
how we make our point. We are the person that holds the key - it’s really boils
down to permission. What are we
permitting? There is something quite
freeing about doing something graciously.
You can’t do anything about others' re-actions but you can take pride in
your own.
Like me, I hope you will
give some thought to this idea of how we teach people to treat us this
week. Figure out what it is you want
people to know about you and if you are tired of sending the message, “Please –
walk all over me!” then its time to start doing something about it. Practice
some rehearsed words (baby steps) and learn to walk away before it develops
into something unpleasant. Locking
yourself in your bathroom, getting in your car and leaving to do an errand, or
graciously saying good bye on the phone may be necessary. Don’t get discouraged at first – remember,
you are re-training them to think differently and that’s not easy, is it? There
are situations where mediation is needed – therapy, police, etc. That can be
very stressful but it can also be exactly what is necessary. Whatever happens -
it’s important not to flip out, be rude or re-act in a hurtful way. We need to
see it as a teachable moment for them and for ourselves!
Food For
Thought:
“If I am not good to myself,
how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?”
Maya Angelou
Next week my
challenge will be Surrounding Myself with Things that I Love, Make Me Smile, or
Give Me Peace.
Images from: easy-crack.com; www.50most.com; cleaning101.blogspot.com; Dr.
Phil
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