Yes, No, Maybe So
You've probably heard that saying or chant as a child. Maybe you've even said it yourself. That's the sort of thing you bat around in your head when you are unsure of what to do or how to respond.
When boundaries are clear and consequences are clear . . . making good choices (or not) are pretty clear. Whether you choose to make them, is another matter. :)
Trouble with a capital T resulted in consequences with a Big C. Maybe a part of the problem these days is that for a lot of people, there aren't any consequences.
Being consistent and following through on your word is key. A family therapist likened it to the moveable wall. If kids know that the boundaries or rules are inconsistent, they know that it's a crap shoot. Hmm . . . maybe, this time the "walls" (rules) can be moved. Move them once, and the walls can probably be moved again. And again. So, what have they to lose in trying to move them - chances are good that it's worth a shot. That's what I call a grey area/zone. Moveable boundaries.
Manners is another. Years ago, I berated one of my boys for poor table manners. They looked at me like I was from Mars. Then, it occurred to me . . . I had never actually talked to them about that particular thing. I assumed that they should know. Now, why should they? So, I started paying attention to their manners and thoughtlessness. Every now and again, we'd talk about them. They were often surprised that people "still did stuff like that." With the growing number of families that are either not eating together or are spending less and less time together, it would stand to reason that kids are not seeing or hearing their parents demonstrating too many lessons in manners (and maybe lots of other things, too).
What we took for granted, back in the day, as things you just did, may no longer be the case today. People's lack of knowledge or interest in etiquette has definitely waned. Case in point, it wasn't that long ago that when you went into a building, guys had to take their ball caps off. Recently, I was in a high school and was told that in their school system, it was permissable to wear hats. I was floored. Now, I understand why I see so many ball caps in restaurants and at a multitude of indoor social functions. And it's not just the kids - adults sitting with their families in upscale restaurants are wearing hats, too.
A few years back, I was at a son's
baseball tournament in Edmonton. When we went to pick him up, he was easy to spot. His entire team (13 of them) was a veritable sea of red hats, except for one. My son. His was sitting on his lap.
I suppose, like anything, if you are uninformed, you probably don't have a clue. I always find it funny how people sitting at black-tie events can be heard whispering, "Which fork do I use again?" We've become such an informal society and our manners often reflect that. Some might even say, sometimes our informality has swung too far the other way.
Today, kids are exposed to a lot of very questionable behaviours and experiences. I am sure that the average parent hasn't a clue what really goes on in the playground, at the lockers, or even at "sleepovers" at friends' houses. The usual, "So what's new at school?" doesn't usually generate a whole lot of conversation. That just might be because for them, all that "stuff" really isn't new anymore. They see it everyday at school - it's become the norm. It's interesting how kids can become used to questionable things so easily. Lifestyles have changed courtesy of media, social networking, etc. Those things are a big part of shaping the minds of kids today. Shape a mind - shape a behaviour.
Parental input, often unintentional, may end up taking a backseat to being integral in their kids' values. Suddenly, one day, we find ourselves saying, "what is going on here?" Guess what? It wasn't so sudden.
Kids can't defend or understand what they have no or limited knowledge of. Don't assume (like I did with the manners) that they KNOW what your family standards are.
It's easy to become wishy washy about things that are not a priority. . . . so if certain things are a priority in your household - make sure your kids know it.
Even for myself, I've raised my eyebrows at work and social situations that I didn't feel were quite right. Not exactly unethical but, certainly not things that made me comfortable. If you know where your bar of standards is, that makes for a good measuring stick for decisions. There have been times when I've used that stick to be a voice for change (often it has meant a lot of extra work for me in the process).
I'm sure that my kids thought that life in our house was (and still is) hard, but when you are trying to instill some integrity into your kids . . . they often don't fully understand the reasoning for a lot of years. Pretty draining to be "the old bag" all the time, but that's just part of the job description, I suppose.
WANTED: Woman who enjoys the challenge of working with kids. Must be in excellent mental and physical health. Accommodations, light housekeeping, and laundry provided (please note - applicant will be responsible for overseeing this). Salary not negotiable. Limited time off. BENEFITS: free vehicle (but must be willing to drive kids at a moment's notice), gourmet meals (cookbooks provided), and unlimited grocery shopping. Please, no heavy drinkers or smokers. Thick skin and good sense of humour mandatory.
There are lots of grey areas in life out there:
. parking in the handicapped spot - just for a minute, while you run in to pick something up
. not returning change when you know you've received too much back - "Well - it's his problem. He should have counted it out right."
. being part of a circle that humiliates or gossips about someone else . . . whether you like that person or not.
. going along with someone else's decisions, when they make you uncomfortable. It's easy for people to justify poor behaviour and sometimes, it just seems easier to go with the flow, rather than make waves. Being tolerant doesn't mean you have to agree with them, it just means that you allow them the same right to make their own decisions, too.
The list goes on and on. Looking back at it, I guess the grey areas often coincide with the things that we are unsure about. If we don't know how to respond, then maybe it's time we use some of those "uncomfortable" moments as opportunities to figure it out. What are the values and ideals that makes us tick and define who we are? There's something strong and empowering about knowing who you are and what you stand for (or won't stand for). Our standards or code of ethics shouldn't be determined by people, that in the end, don't really matter.
Food for Thought:
On my way to half way through my challenges. Can't believe that almost 1/2 year has gone by! Hope you can join me for my next challenge on Sunday - Dealing with People Who Make Me Nuts!
You've probably heard that saying or chant as a child. Maybe you've even said it yourself. That's the sort of thing you bat around in your head when you are unsure of what to do or how to respond.
Growing up, life was pretty uncomplicated and straightforward for my generation. I've mentioned that before but, you know, that was just how it was. These days - not so much. Right was right. Wrong was wrong. When you crossed the line, you KNEW exactly what you were doing. The infraction had to be worth the punishment that you knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, would be forthcoming.
When boundaries are clear and consequences are clear . . . making good choices (or not) are pretty clear. Whether you choose to make them, is another matter. :)
Knowing what the expectations are, makes it easier to make plans. Sometimes, those plans are not good plans but, if you know what the consequences are, then that often changes "the plans". Some of our kids were encouraged to use our rules (and fear of Mom's wrath and fury) if they wanted to - to avoid being pressured by others into activities that might end them up in hot water. Telling friends that their Mom or Dad would come down hard on them probably saved them from a few bad decisions. Tough consequences were more often than not, a pretty good deterrent in our house. Knowing that Mom was not just blowing smoke and that her threats were not hollow, hopefully made them think twice. If you know my boys, ask them sometime, how many video games of their's I've broken in half.
Trouble with a capital T resulted in consequences with a Big C. Maybe a part of the problem these days is that for a lot of people, there aren't any consequences. Being consistent and following through on your word is key. A family therapist likened it to the moveable wall. If kids know that the boundaries or rules are inconsistent, they know that it's a crap shoot. Hmm . . . maybe, this time the "walls" (rules) can be moved. Move them once, and the walls can probably be moved again. And again. So, what have they to lose in trying to move them - chances are good that it's worth a shot. That's what I call a grey area/zone. Moveable boundaries.
Manners is another. Years ago, I berated one of my boys for poor table manners. They looked at me like I was from Mars. Then, it occurred to me . . . I had never actually talked to them about that particular thing. I assumed that they should know. Now, why should they? So, I started paying attention to their manners and thoughtlessness. Every now and again, we'd talk about them. They were often surprised that people "still did stuff like that." With the growing number of families that are either not eating together or are spending less and less time together, it would stand to reason that kids are not seeing or hearing their parents demonstrating too many lessons in manners (and maybe lots of other things, too).
What we took for granted, back in the day, as things you just did, may no longer be the case today. People's lack of knowledge or interest in etiquette has definitely waned. Case in point, it wasn't that long ago that when you went into a building, guys had to take their ball caps off. Recently, I was in a high school and was told that in their school system, it was permissable to wear hats. I was floored. Now, I understand why I see so many ball caps in restaurants and at a multitude of indoor social functions. And it's not just the kids - adults sitting with their families in upscale restaurants are wearing hats, too.
A few years back, I was at a son's
baseball tournament in Edmonton. When we went to pick him up, he was easy to spot. His entire team (13 of them) was a veritable sea of red hats, except for one. My son. His was sitting on his lap. I suppose, like anything, if you are uninformed, you probably don't have a clue. I always find it funny how people sitting at black-tie events can be heard whispering, "Which fork do I use again?" We've become such an informal society and our manners often reflect that. Some might even say, sometimes our informality has swung too far the other way.
Today, kids are exposed to a lot of very questionable behaviours and experiences. I am sure that the average parent hasn't a clue what really goes on in the playground, at the lockers, or even at "sleepovers" at friends' houses. The usual, "So what's new at school?" doesn't usually generate a whole lot of conversation. That just might be because for them, all that "stuff" really isn't new anymore. They see it everyday at school - it's become the norm. It's interesting how kids can become used to questionable things so easily. Lifestyles have changed courtesy of media, social networking, etc. Those things are a big part of shaping the minds of kids today. Shape a mind - shape a behaviour.
Parental input, often unintentional, may end up taking a backseat to being integral in their kids' values. Suddenly, one day, we find ourselves saying, "what is going on here?" Guess what? It wasn't so sudden.Kids can't defend or understand what they have no or limited knowledge of. Don't assume (like I did with the manners) that they KNOW what your family standards are.
It's easy to become wishy washy about things that are not a priority. . . . so if certain things are a priority in your household - make sure your kids know it. 
Even for myself, I've raised my eyebrows at work and social situations that I didn't feel were quite right. Not exactly unethical but, certainly not things that made me comfortable. If you know where your bar of standards is, that makes for a good measuring stick for decisions. There have been times when I've used that stick to be a voice for change (often it has meant a lot of extra work for me in the process). I'm sure that my kids thought that life in our house was (and still is) hard, but when you are trying to instill some integrity into your kids . . . they often don't fully understand the reasoning for a lot of years. Pretty draining to be "the old bag" all the time, but that's just part of the job description, I suppose.
WANTED: Woman who enjoys the challenge of working with kids. Must be in excellent mental and physical health. Accommodations, light housekeeping, and laundry provided (please note - applicant will be responsible for overseeing this). Salary not negotiable. Limited time off. BENEFITS: free vehicle (but must be willing to drive kids at a moment's notice), gourmet meals (cookbooks provided), and unlimited grocery shopping. Please, no heavy drinkers or smokers. Thick skin and good sense of humour mandatory.
There are lots of grey areas in life out there:
. parking in the handicapped spot - just for a minute, while you run in to pick something up
. not returning change when you know you've received too much back - "Well - it's his problem. He should have counted it out right."
. being part of a circle that humiliates or gossips about someone else . . . whether you like that person or not.
. going along with someone else's decisions, when they make you uncomfortable. It's easy for people to justify poor behaviour and sometimes, it just seems easier to go with the flow, rather than make waves. Being tolerant doesn't mean you have to agree with them, it just means that you allow them the same right to make their own decisions, too.
The list goes on and on. Looking back at it, I guess the grey areas often coincide with the things that we are unsure about. If we don't know how to respond, then maybe it's time we use some of those "uncomfortable" moments as opportunities to figure it out. What are the values and ideals that makes us tick and define who we are? There's something strong and empowering about knowing who you are and what you stand for (or won't stand for). Our standards or code of ethics shouldn't be determined by people, that in the end, don't really matter.
Food for Thought:
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