In case it's not obvious to you - on the right is me and on the left is . . . basically everyone else. I am one of those people that has found it incredibly difficult to give up control or power to pretty much anyone.
I'd say I was a PERFECTIONIST, but as I look around my house in the absolute disarray and dare I say, "grime" (it's been a LONG 2 weeks) I find it almost comical to say that I'm a perfectionist (maybe with a small "p"). I still have a room in the basement that needs the bomb squad and a storage area that stores pretty much everything and anything. Let's just kind of skip past these last few sentences and jump into the heart of all of this.
I seldom can just let things be. I've had a hard year of learning to be ok with things as they are. I'm making progress but it's not always an easy go. However, having said that ... this year (and especially since starting this blog) I have had more opportunities than you could shake a stick at to think on this. Being intentional in something is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Not impossible but a lot harder.
I'm not totally sure if it comes from being a mom or if my nature just is that way. I suspect my hubby, who has known me for a very long time, would say that it's probably a combination of the two.
Being a mom, definitely sets you up to be "in charge", "control the calendar and house routines", not to mention, orchestrate the "to do lists", nurse the sick, heal the blind (just kidding on that one), and delegate chores. We often dispense the discipline, allowances, homework reminders, and handle the chauffeuring. So, it's quite easy to see how someone who has to make sure things flow well for the sanity and sake of family order, would find it hard to let go of the authority.
We ask for help (and often demand it) yet when it comes our way (often in the guise of a husband) we are quick to find fault with or refuse the help. If I had a nickle for every mom that has told me she wants to be on an island (alone), I think I could probably pay for my own trip to that same island. We are our own worst enemies, sometimes.
Some time ago, I shared a quote from a principal I worked with. "They have to care more than you do." Or maybe, it's just, "they have to own their own problem - let it be!" Oh, I think I hear John Lennon in the background.
So true. I have hounded, berated, scolded, and practically begged some of my kids for various reasons only to have them shrug their shoulders and let the pieces fall where they may. Clearly, whatever the issue was, it mattered more to me than them. Or perhaps, they just got used to me fixing it or looking after it - a personal valet, of sorts. Can't blame them really, if the pattern sets it up that way.
My hubby was and still is, very good at letting our kids learn the lessons they need to learn - painful or not. I, on the other hand, struggle with letting that happen. I want them to learn but not painfully (that's the Mom in me, I guess). My kids are great and because I don't want others to see them in a negative light, I am sure there have been times I've done them a disservice by not letting them experience some learning as a natural consequence. Note to self: others' failure to take something seriously or follow through on what needs to be done, doesn't reflect on me, either. It is more importantly, a teaching experience. We all talk about the importance of that, but often "in the moment", we do forget.
Same with the giving of responsibility and then taking it back. THAT I am sorely guilty of. Again . . . I don't want them to "miss their bus" and have to walk in -15 degree weather, go hungry because they've forgotten their lunch, miss out on a fun activity because they've not thought ahead and taken money out of the bank, etc. How many of us have given our kids responsibilty for something and then end up re-doing it or just plain doing it?
I suppose it's true that with me or without me hounding them, they will grow up. I expect they will go on to be productive citizens and good employees, spouses and parents. Why do I say that? Well, hopefully, they will have figured out once they've left home that it never really was about taking the easy route - it was about doing what it took to instill a good work ethic and realizing that being a part of a family meant something. Seriously, it would be so much easier and less stressful for most of us to just be deadbeat / slackard parents.
Life is a constant learning experience - we never know how they will travel it, until .... they do. We certainly don't have the assurance of a crystal ball into their future anymore than
we have a guarantee that
chaining them to their math textbook will ensure they use it to study. In the end, we do our best, love them and empower (not push, pull and drag) them in age appropriate ways. I am a work in progress. Learning to let go may conceivably be a life long lesson for some of us (but I sure hope not).
It is really quite insulting to give someone responsiblity and take it back. Ouch - let me just raise my hand here! It says, "I don't have confidence in you." In the work force or on committees, we've all probably worked with people that dole out the tasks and then hound us or look over our shoulder. 'Allowing' people to slip up are opportunities for growth. We don't strive to be the one that waits for them to mess up and then get to say, "I told you so". That's not reflective of good parenting or teamwork.
"Rescuing" others doesn't teach anyone anything either - other than there is always a safety net at the bottom, so don't worry about giving it your best shot. We never know what they are capable of, if we don't let them step out.
I've often been a tyrant with the studying - sitting at the table and getting it done. It's worked but I've become the homework police. My better half feels that internal motivation is one of the measuring sticks for people's success. Some kids (or adults) just seem to have that natural bent. But, for those that don't . . . letting them feel a few of those consequences, with loving (and not overpowering) guidance is probably a better route to go.
Food for Thought:
Some time ago, I shared a quote from a principal I worked with. "They have to care more than you do." Or maybe, it's just, "they have to own their own problem - let it be!" Oh, I think I hear John Lennon in the background.
So true. I have hounded, berated, scolded, and practically begged some of my kids for various reasons only to have them shrug their shoulders and let the pieces fall where they may. Clearly, whatever the issue was, it mattered more to me than them. Or perhaps, they just got used to me fixing it or looking after it - a personal valet, of sorts. Can't blame them really, if the pattern sets it up that way.
My hubby was and still is, very good at letting our kids learn the lessons they need to learn - painful or not. I, on the other hand, struggle with letting that happen. I want them to learn but not painfully (that's the Mom in me, I guess). My kids are great and because I don't want others to see them in a negative light, I am sure there have been times I've done them a disservice by not letting them experience some learning as a natural consequence. Note to self: others' failure to take something seriously or follow through on what needs to be done, doesn't reflect on me, either. It is more importantly, a teaching experience. We all talk about the importance of that, but often "in the moment", we do forget.
Same with the giving of responsibility and then taking it back. THAT I am sorely guilty of. Again . . . I don't want them to "miss their bus" and have to walk in -15 degree weather, go hungry because they've forgotten their lunch, miss out on a fun activity because they've not thought ahead and taken money out of the bank, etc. How many of us have given our kids responsibilty for something and then end up re-doing it or just plain doing it? I suppose it's true that with me or without me hounding them, they will grow up. I expect they will go on to be productive citizens and good employees, spouses and parents. Why do I say that? Well, hopefully, they will have figured out once they've left home that it never really was about taking the easy route - it was about doing what it took to instill a good work ethic and realizing that being a part of a family meant something. Seriously, it would be so much easier and less stressful for most of us to just be deadbeat / slackard parents.
Life is a constant learning experience - we never know how they will travel it, until .... they do. We certainly don't have the assurance of a crystal ball into their future anymore than
we have a guarantee that
chaining them to their math textbook will ensure they use it to study. In the end, we do our best, love them and empower (not push, pull and drag) them in age appropriate ways. I am a work in progress. Learning to let go may conceivably be a life long lesson for some of us (but I sure hope not).
It is really quite insulting to give someone responsiblity and take it back. Ouch - let me just raise my hand here! It says, "I don't have confidence in you." In the work force or on committees, we've all probably worked with people that dole out the tasks and then hound us or look over our shoulder. 'Allowing' people to slip up are opportunities for growth. We don't strive to be the one that waits for them to mess up and then get to say, "I told you so". That's not reflective of good parenting or teamwork.
"Rescuing" others doesn't teach anyone anything either - other than there is always a safety net at the bottom, so don't worry about giving it your best shot. We never know what they are capable of, if we don't let them step out.
I've often been a tyrant with the studying - sitting at the table and getting it done. It's worked but I've become the homework police. My better half feels that internal motivation is one of the measuring sticks for people's success. Some kids (or adults) just seem to have that natural bent. But, for those that don't . . . letting them feel a few of those consequences, with loving (and not overpowering) guidance is probably a better route to go.
Food for Thought:
"Don't let go too soon
and don't hang on too long."
Mitch Albom
See you next week!
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