INTEGRITY! - CHALLENGE #9

As parents, we are continuously reminded by self-help books, advice columns, and child psychologists that our kids are constantly watching.  But who and what are they watching?  Sometimes it’s us (no pressure, eh?) and sometimes it’s the role models they’ve discovered out in the big bad world. 

When you work in the school system, you see first hand, not only how inappropriate kids can really be, but also that the apple often doesn’t fall far from the tree.  That’s when you realize how much our kids really are watching us.  Modelling us, actually.  Like it or not, often the worst traits in our kids are things that they learn (directly or indirectly) from us.  Now that’s a downer.  I guess we can find enough reasons to excuse or overlook that thought but sometimes it’s a hard pill to swallow.  I know, from personal experience, I can find a boat load of them:

 “I did my best with what I knew at the time.”

 “They have to take some responsibility for their own actions, too.”

 “I'm just all out of energy and I can't deal with it.”

 “I never claimed to be perfect.”

 “Parenting doesn’t come with instructions.”

 “I’m having to do this by myself most of the time.”

Teaching the wrong vs right concept is not always easy in this day and age.  Most people would probably agree that this is what we should be doing.  Unfortunately, many aren’t.  We have this slippery-slope thing happening.  It might not exactly be wrong, but we know in our heart of hearts, it’s not exactly right either.  The little white lie is like being a little bit pregnant.  We aren’t fooling anyone, except maybe ourselves. 

If you spend any time on the internet, facebook, or e-mail, you have probably come across posts of catchy slogans or quotes that you find inspiring.  In fact, you may even want to remember them because they resonate with your soul. Remembering them and living them are two different things.  Being intentional about something is work.  Hard work often.  It’s so very easy to slip into our old patterns without giving our new mantra a second thought.  However, the more we immerse ourselves in the idea (reading, journaling, talking about it, praying or meditating on it, etc.) the more we are likely to start keeping it in the forefront of our thinking.

I love the word, “INTENTIONAL”.  To me, it says, “I’m committed to this idea and I will try to follow it through.”  There’s something very powerful and pro-active about this “action” word.

Integrity is a way of living … it’s not just some nice sentiment. Who wouldn’t want their kids to respect them and appreciate their values.  Like most things, that won’t happen all on it’s own.  You know that saying, “Walk the Talk” – it’s all about being intentional in our actions and words. Our kids need to see it to believe it.  Lectures don’t roll with them.  Besides … you’d have to have a zillion short lectures to make a dent, I’m thinking.  Research shows: 

Average Attention Span of a Teen in 2012 – 8 seconds

Average Attention Span of a Goldfish – 9 seconds

Kind of curious how they were able to come to this conclusion about the goldfish. J

Getting most teens to listen to an 8 second lecture on integrity is like trying to get a knot out of fine link chain.  Not impossible but after awhile you begin to wonder if it’s ever going to happen.

If someone is going to emulate you, chances are they won’t if they are questioning your sincerity.  Sometimes we don’t even realize the skewed messages we send others – it’s amazing what we do out of habit.  Telling your child repeatedly that what they are saying is rude and disrespectful doesn’t hold much water if they see you mimicking the same behaviour to your spouse.  How they see you interact with sales staff, servers in restaurants, people at Customer Service, telemarketers, teachers, coaches, etc. sends a huge message.  Not completing jobs that you’ve promised to do and even justifying our speeding, screams … “do as I say, not as I do.”  If you’ve ever heard someone accused of being a “hypocrite”, there probably is some history there.

Actually, it’s really a simple concept just not an easy one.  That’s why I like the phrase, “Intentional Integrity” – it means we are taking ownership of behaving and thinking a certain way and making it a daily priority.  Never mind daily . . .  it’s an on-going life long priority.  But like anything – if you don’t make the effort, things are never going to change. For those of us that need encouragement in this area this week:  integrity is a learning process – we attempt, we fail, we push on and keep trying.   

I think if we are intentional in working on making something the right thing to do when we are all by ourselves, then it becomes second nature to doing it around our kids, spouses, friends and everyone else.

Food for Thought:

                        Be the person you think you are.

Next week I will attempt my Take Time For Yourself Challenge - see you then!

Images by: emilygrecco’sphotostream; everydaycourage.net; pininterestwomen.org; http://www.statisticbrain.com/attention-span-statistics/

SURROUND YOURSELF WITH THINGS YOU LOVE! - CHALLENGE #8

                                                       When the dog bites
                                                       When the bee stings
                                                       When I'm feeling sad
                                            I simply remember my favorite things
                                                  And then I don't feel so sad
                                            

If you have ever watched the classic feel good movie, “The Sound of Music,” you will surely remember the song, “My Favorite Things.”  The last three lines of the song sum it up perfectly…. “When I’m feeling sad, I simply remember my favourite things, and then I don’t feel so bad.”  I just love the sentiment behind the song. 

It should not surprise anyone that home reno stores like Rona and Home Depot have been doing extremely well in recent years, not just because people are trying to save money but because they are trying to create a stronger sense of family and “home” in this fast-paced world. Studies have shown a strong correlation between the economy and the need to cocoon. In fact, the worse the economy is, the more people spend money and attention trying to make their homes more cozy and inviting. 

Shortly after moving into our house, I had a friend come over to help me figure out window coverings for my living room.  We never did get around to the window coverings as she spent the entire time telling me what was wrong with my house.  In some ways, she was bang on.  I had so much stuff.  Nice and expensive stuff … but too much stuff.  Her final thoughts were, “You know you CAN just leave some of the things you like at the store.  You don’t have to bring everything home.”  I laughed but there was merit in what she said.  We removed everything from the room and I only put back the things that I absolutely loved or made me feel good.  She took the rest to her house – lol. 

These days, my house has mostly things that I really appreciate or make me happy when I walk by them.  There are always things that you have to work around (existing furniture because it doesn’t make financial sense to replace them for a while) but the extras that give you a sense of what you are all about should be up front and personal.  I once had a neighbour over to my house and boy, was she disappointed in my décor.  She said, “Hmmm.  I thought it would be fancier.”  But truthfully … I’m not a fancy person.  I have 4 kids (3 being boys) and fancy didn’t work when they were all at home. Did that route years back and it was not a joyful experience for me.  I didn’t like the person I was becoming and I certainly didn’t want my kids going down that path.

Everyone has a look they like and if I had to say what mine was … maybe “tailored country”?  I’m not a knick knack person and so the cute little ducks and country animals are not seen here.  I do have a wooden giraffe above my kitchen cupboards, though.  I like tidy and easy to clean.  For me, less is more, so the things I have, I love. I’m not into the spartan or minimalist look – just don’t want to dust anymore than I have to!  I have things like a wrought iron JOY hanging from the backside of our main floor bath door, black metal letters hanging above my kitchen window that reads H O M E, and family photos and pictures collected from vacations over the years. I think you get the idea.

I had a painful reminder of the importance of surrounding yourselves with things that matter . . .  I had been rushing around trying to get things done and was in a foul mood (which is code for barking orders left and right at my family). Suddenly the plaque that was hanging above the entrance door came tumbling down onto my head.  Let me tell you that hurt – I actually saw stars!  It slammed down onto the floor face up.  The sign read … SIMPLIFY YOUR LIFE AND SPEND TIME WITH FAMILY.  Ouch (in more ways than one!)  So – it’s nice to surround yourself with things that epitomize what you are trying to embrace.

Most things in my house don’t match.  They blend. Some people might like it classier, bolder or newer … to each his own. I like a sense of calm around me and so the colours I’ve chosen are not overly bold or bright.  They are just calming.  Here and there I have a little “punch” of something a little bolder.  Most people who really love their homes seem to have spent little money but have invested far more in including things that have become meaningful to them – a favourite auntie’s antique dresser, a grandparent’s old bible, a unique framed mirror made from barn board from a family farm, a childhood toy, an amazing picture from a memorable holiday, a gift from a special friend, or a terrific find at a neighbourhood garage sale.  Your home is a work in progress – just like your family.  I hope you will join me this week as I continue to fill my home with things that I love, make me smile, and bring me peace.   

. . . These are a few of my favourite things
   

  

      

                                                 

                              Food For Thought:
                  

 

Watch out for falling life lessons!

Hope you can join me next week for my Integrity Challenge – Practicing What We Preach!

Images from: suaviloquy.blogspot.com; http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/thesoundofmusic/myfavoritethings.htm; autumnsunshineandgabrielleangel.wordpress.com; edupics.com

 

  

 

    

PLEASE WALK ALL OVER ME! - CHALLENGE #7

No One Can Drive You Crazy Unless

YOU

Give Them the Keys!

Unless you’ve been living in the Rainforest for quite some time, you’ve likely heard of the TV Guru, Dr. Phil.  Like him or not, he does have some good advice on certain subjects.   One being …. YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU.  I don’t imagine he coined that expression as I’ve seen it quoted by others but he certainly gave it notoriety.

I remember hearing that phrase and it was one of those AH HA moments.   Once I heard that, it seemed that suddenly bad behaviour was coming out of the woodwork.  Likely, I just became more aware of it.  A classic example of this is kids and parents and how they interact with each other.  It never fails to surprise me how parents unknowingly empower their young kids to become little Hitlers.  I say empower because that’s what ends up happening when you permit disrespectful behaviour without consequences.  It’s not hard to imagine what life will be like in THAT house hold when the five year old hits his turbulent teens!    

It really isn’t just kids and teens that have a corner on the market of poor behaviour – it’s everywhere.  Co-workers (maybe you have someone around you that thinks you live for doing his/her work). Or the friend that figures you really don’t mind doing all the driving and contributes nada towards the gas (typically those kind of people keep you waiting, too). 

Most of you have probably heard of the Golden Rule, “Treat Others How You Would Like To Be Treated.” While there is accountability for our behaviour towards others, I think it also speaks about how we view ourselves. We are not to just lie down and be a door mat or someone’s verbal punching bag.  This is a respect thing - how you treat others but also how you want others to treat you.

The onus is on us – to make sure we are respecting people’s boundaries and that we model that, but also that we think enough of ourselves to ask that it be reciprocated.  Most people will do what they know and it’s up to you to enlighten them if what they know is incorrect.   You need to be the one to take ownership of your self-esteem.  If you don’t care, why should they?

Here’s the 20 million dollar question - Do you even know how you want people to treat you?  You’d think most people would but it’s amazing what we learn to live with.  If having people lipping off, swearing and physically abusing you is what you have come to expect … then it would stand to reason that the message you may be sending is that you are quite ok with the behaviour.  Some of us don’t even realize that we allow others to treat us poorly.  Sometimes we don’t feel we have a voice or an option (bosses come to mind).  I’ve been there and in the end, leaving a situation I couldn’t change was a very positive thing for me.

Recently, a lady and I were having a conversation when her son stopped in to ask for the car.  She reminded him that his Dad had a list of chores for him to do first.  She didn’t say no, she just reminded him that he had an obligation to finish first.   Good for you Mom!  The barrage of inappropriate language that followed blew me away.   It didn’t seem to bother her one little bit. I think I was more upset than she was. She just shrugged her shoulders and said, “Oh, whatever.  Go!  Just make sure you get those things done!”  Once he got what he wanted, he beetled off and Mom turned to me and just rolled her eyes. Ouch, Mom – not good!  Clearly this was not a first time incident. I couldn’t help but wonder how he talked to her when no one else was around.  It made me think back to a conversation she and I had some time back about how stressed she was and how hard it was having all her boys at home.  Now I understood.  Not stressful for her boys, just her! 

To quote Dr. Phil, “When people are aggressive, bossy or controlling — and then get their way — you have rewarded them for unacceptable behaviour.”  If you aren’t liking the way people are acting towards you, consider that you may be a part of the problem.  Saying nothing, empowering them, or giving in only further aggravates the problem.  Easier said than done, eh? 

So where do we draw the line?  Often any changes we make won’t be appreciated by some people.  If you think about it . . .  when someone continuously gets what they want and suddenly that changes … are they going to like it?  Likely not, but guess what … that’s not our problem.

If you are one of those people that has a hard time saying no to someone … buy yourself some time.  Something that I’ve been working on is saying, “I’ll get back to you tomorrow.”  I’ve practiced this on my own kids – in fact, I tell them that if they want an answer on the spot, it’s no.  If they want to wait until I’ve thought it through – then it’s a “maybe.”  Training yourself to give yourself some distance from the request is very helpful – not easy at first but it’s like anything . . . practice, practice, practice. The first time I did it – I was shocked how effective it was.

Feeling that we are being pressured into making a decision that is not good for us is . . . well . . . not good for us. Actually then, it’s not really a decision, is it?  It’s what we default to. A decision always involves “choice”.

Once you make your decision, voice it the easiest way for you. That may mean calling and leaving a message, e-mailing or speaking person to them in person.  Whatever you decide - make it brief - you don’t need to give them a half dozen reasons or excuses.  Short and sweet and walk away.  Run away, if you have to - lol.  Phrases like, “Now’s not a good time for me but thanks for asking,” or “I wished I could but my family obligations are keeping me far too busy already.” 

I’m not saying we have to say no to everything but if it’s not something that works for us  … it’s up to us to put on our big girl panties and stand up for ourselves.  At times, people may not even realize that we really don’t want to do something - especially if in the past our responses have typically been a “yes”.  They probably won’t like it and that might be really apparent when we speak to them, but again … “that’s not our problem.”  We have to do what is best for us.

Years ago I had a situation where I felt pressured into saying yes to something I really didn’t want to do.  I felt dismissed and co-erced into it.  In the end, it was a bad decision for our family.  When I finally decided to change the situation, the other people involved were NOT HAPPY (to put it mildly) but I knew that telling them that it was not working for our family was the right thing to do.  That was an empowering moment.  They tried to change my mind but I simply said, “Sorry, but this is not working for us.”  Things were very cool between us for a few years but the weight that was lifted from my shoulders was incredible.  I had to tell myself over and over for quite some time (whenever I started feeling guilty), “This was the right decision.” Sometimes it’s hard to say no to “good things” but they never should be at the expense of “great things” (my family’s sanity). 

It might seem that people take advantage of your good nature or a situation – that happens.  Often, I don’t think people mean to – they may simply have an agenda that they need to take care of.  That being said, the responsibility is on you to make your boundaries clear.  Boundaries include all sorts of things – one being in how you want others to hear you and respect your decisions.

We often get defensive, upset, or our knickers in a knot (borrowing an old-school expression here) in how we make our point. We are the person that holds the key - it’s really boils down to permission.  What are we permitting?  There is something quite freeing about doing something graciously.  You can’t do anything about others' re-actions but you can take pride in your own.  

Like me, I hope you will give some thought to this idea of how we teach people to treat us this week.  Figure out what it is you want people to know about you and if you are tired of sending the message, “Please – walk all over me!” then its time to start doing something about it. Practice some rehearsed words (baby steps) and learn to walk away before it develops into something unpleasant.  Locking yourself in your bathroom, getting in your car and leaving to do an errand, or graciously saying good bye on the phone may be necessary.   Don’t get discouraged at first – remember, you are re-training them to think differently and that’s not easy, is it? There are situations where mediation is needed – therapy, police, etc. That can be very stressful but it can also be exactly what is necessary. Whatever happens - it’s important not to flip out, be rude or re-act in a hurtful way. We need to see it as a teachable moment for them and for ourselves!

Food For Thought:  

“If I am not good to myself,

how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?”             

Maya Angelou 

Next week my challenge will be Surrounding Myself with Things that I Love, Make Me Smile, or Give Me Peace.

Images from:  easy-crack.com; www.50most.com; cleaning101.blogspot.com; Dr. Phil

TWO MINUTES! - CHALLENGE #6

“We must use time as a tool, not as a crutch.”

 John F. Kennedy

 (Former President of the United States of America)

  

Not sure if you are as good at procrastinating as I am but some days it’s just plain easy to find reasons or excuses to “do it later.”  Maybe it’s perfection – it “needs” to be done a certain way, lack of time (WHAT doesn’t fall on your shoulders at home and work?), boredom (the idea of washing floors has finally lost its thrill), unorganization (very hard to clean clutter), just dont' feel like doing anything (sometimes we have moments like that - that's ok, too, somedays) or just sheer exhaustion (kids and work have a way of doing that to you).

   

The downside of procrastinating is that it actually creates more stress when you put things off.  Here’s a typical for instance ... every day, I come into the house with my car keys and instead of throwing them in the basket that holds all our keys … I throw them on the kitchen counter thinking that I’ll put them away later.  Well – low and behold…they always get moved and when I’m racing out the door … of course, they aren’t anywhere in sight.  I waste probably a good 5-10 minutes and huge amounts of stress FLYING around the house, checking coat pockets, purses, counter tops, under couches, etc. The kicker is … the key basket is actually closer to the garage door than the kitchen counter!  I need to walk out of my way to put the keys on the kitchen counter!   Silly, huh?  It’s amazing what we do out of habit.  Ok – this is just a little thing but when you can’t find them . . . HAVOC! 

So how do you get to the point where the procrastination doesn’t cause you to be a candidate for an insane asylum or make the 6 o’clock news? 

  

Something I’ve discovered is … things typically don’t take as much time to do as you think.  Simple concept, but not always an easy one to act on.  Once I really wrapped my brain around that one and embraced it … it made quite a difference in life around here.  I think it’s actually the little things in your house that need to be done that make you crazy or the house look messy.

   

For instance … how many times do you walk past the dishwasher noticing that it’s reading CLEAN but no one has bothered to empty it?  There’s even a nice little pile of dirty dishes stacked right above it on the counter. Nine out ten times you might get the universal response to the request to empty it -“WHAT?  It’s not MY job!”  Chances are it’s pretty much the same drill as in my house … whine, whine, whine … it takes too long … they all have better things to do … THEY had to empty it the last time …  they’re doing something now, can’t you ask someone else?  Blah, blah, blah.

   

I wonder if we actually realize how little time most chores take to do.  Knowing that a task only takes 10 seconds to finish might prompt someone to  do the job?  Ok – that might be a stretch, depending on who lives in your house, but at least you’ll know, if it defaults to you.   Which of course is what typically happens, eh?

I challenge you to set the kitchen timer on the microwave to 5 minutes and see how long it actually takes you to unload the dishwasher.   I did and I had 3 minutes to spare!  So it actually only took 2 minutes.  Once it was unloaded, I set the timer for 2 minutes to see how long it took to re-load it … took all of 30 seconds.  So what the heck … why then is the kitchen counter always looking like a recycling depot?  In 2 ½ minutes I had my dishwasher emptied and re-loaded. 

  

Something I used to dread doing was making my bed. Not that it’s such a hard job but it has so many darn pillows and well – I don’t know … it’s such a boring mundane job, right?  But when the bed is made – wow, the room looks so good.  It’s amazing how an unmade bed can change the ambience of a room.  The agreement with my hubby is that the last person out of bed makes the bed.   Ok – so that’s happened like . . . twice.  Out of curiosity (and because apparently I have no life), I decided to time how long it took to make my bed.  55 seconds.  That included fluffing the pillows.  Someone slap me – please.  So why are we leaving the house with the bed looking like the place has been ransacked when it takes less than a minute to make up? 

   

Another job I routinely pass off is vacuuming the carpet in the living room, the kitchen floor and boot room.  (You’re probably beginning to wonder if I ever do anything around my house, without trying to pawn it off?)  Well – they say it’s good that the kids know how to do this stuff – whether they do it regularly or not, but, hey … that’s a whole different story.  Anyway - I do prefer vacuuming to sweeping because it’s quick and it picks everything up.  So there should have been no problems getting it done then?  Ha!  Why not?  Maybe because it takes forever to haul out the vacuum and clean those 3 rooms?  Timed that one, too - 2 minutes and 45 seconds (actually only 2 minutes but I decided to add the laundry room while I was at it).  Now I look at that job differently - two minutes and no more crumbs and pebbles getting tracked from room to room.  I’m training my brain to see it differently.  Must be working … I’ve stopped the inner whining (on the vacuuming anyway) and just do it.

This translates into no dishes on my counter, a relatively empty dishwasher, a made bed, and vacuumed living room carpet/kitchen/boot and laundry rooms.  All in less than 6 minutes.   Bonus - If you delegate one of those jobs to some innocent bystander (that would be the person who made the mistake to be standing at the counter making a snack) … you’ve probably have cut it down to 4 minutes.  Theoretically, it could be even less time, if the other sibling doesn’t figure out what is happening and takes off.

  

Dusting – who the heck decided that dust was such a bad thing?  Doesn’t it protect your furniture or something?  Well – seeing as it must be done – if you actually timed how long it took to dust your living room you might be more inclined to zip through with a rag while talking on the cordless – 2-3 minutes depending if you want to bother with knick knacks (I vote for passing on the knick knacks).  Most tedious jobs go faster if you just do them and don’t focus on what a drag they are.  At some point you do have to dust those silly things but it doesn’t have to be all the time.  After 55 years, I’ve learned that dust on knick knacks isn’t hazardous to your health – imagine!

Remember - most things don’t necessarily have to be done 100% - they just need to be done.  Case in point - vacuuming the living room.  The baseboards, all the nooks and crannies, etc. don’t have to be dusted every single time … once in a blue moon is good enough. It’s more important to just get it done and be satisfied with the basic job.  Seriously, I’m thinking most of us would be happier (and our families, too) if we supported the idea . . .  “Sometimes - good enough is . . . good enough.”

FYI - I’ve timed the following out:

(note they take SECONDS, not MINUTES!)

• Wiping off the gunk on the inside of my microwave – 30 seconds.
• Putting the coffee mug into the dishwasher – 5 seconds.
• De-crumbing (fairly certain that’s not a word but it works) my toaster (shaken into sink) – 15 seconds.
• Turning off the bathroom light – 1 second.
• Closing the closet door that got left open – 3 seconds.
• Watering the house plants – 3 trips to the sink – total watering time – 45 seconds.  Ok – so why are my plants curled up and flopped over when it took me all of 45 seconds? 
• Cleaning the toilet bowl – a squirt of dish soap and a swish of the brush – 10 seconds.  It doesn’t take long for it to become furry looking and gross – really … 10 seconds to prevent that?
• Throwing newspaper into recycling bin – 30 seconds (includes the walk to the bin).

 I think you get the point.  Most things don’t take near the time we think.  We probably spend more time thinking of reasons why we don’t have time to do them than they actually take.

Just remember – when you tackle a task  . . . try not to get side tracked … just do it and be done.  A 2 minute job can turn into a 20 minute job if you start doing something else. That in itself, has been a challenge for me . . . I can be as focused as a gnat some days but it’s been a good lesson in self-discipline.

When you see one of the usual messes around the house … don’t get mad or discouraged … just ask yourself,

                                “Wonder how long this will take?”

If it’s 2 minutes or less … then do it.  Once you start realizing that most things take a lot less time than you imagine … don’t be surprised if you find yourself just doing them with a better attitude (ok – that might also be a stretch but at least you will start seeing things in a very different perspective).   You don’t have to love doing it … you just need to do it (or even better, delegate it). Re-playing a new tape in your head might be all it really takes to get the ball rolling (or the vacuum cleaner turned on.)  Instead of “I don’t have time to do that,” try, “I’ll just do it and be done with it.”

Here’s another observation from years back – wearing runners or lace up shoes of some sort in the house tricks your brain into getting things done faster.  You actually do move and work differently.  Go figure.  It’s sort of like the teenage boys and their baggy pants that come down to their thighs.  You never see them moving fast or efficiently do you?  In fact, they move like sloths.  They can’t help it – it’s virtually impossible to make any sudden moves without their pants falling down!  It’s the same with what is on your feet.  Flip flops, slippers, and bare feet do not allow you to move around the same way as when you have runners on.  So on the days that you want to accomplish something – lace up the runners and see for yourself!

   

Food For Thought: 

Time it takes to load a modern day washing machine:  1 minute

Time it takes to clean a load of laundry in the Olden Days or

in a Developing or 3^rd Third Country :  No idea but I’m fairly confident I wouldn’t be this cheerful when I was finished!

Stop looking at the work in front of you and seeing a depressing mess – it’s just too overwhelming.  This is how you clean a room – one mess at a time. See the room, not as one big mess but as a bunch of little messes – each taking just a minute or so.  It will be a lot less daunting and very do-able. 

Join me in my Two Minute Challenge by seeing your procrastinations for what they may actually be – just easy 1-2 minute jobs.

Hope to see you next week when I do the OH, PLEASE – Walk All Over Me Challenge!

Images taken from indizoom.blogspot.com; newbiesway.blogspot.com; en.wikipedia.org