TRADITIONS - ARE THEY WORTH REPEATING? - CHALLENGE #31

Fuzzy slippers.  A delicious chocolate bar.  As a child, the tradition of waking up Christmas morning to new pj's and a chocolate bar tucked inside a brand new pair of slippers, was almost magical.  We seldom received candy, so a "full sized" chocolate bar was always a highlight.  With six kids in the family, money may have been tight but there was always, without fail, a huge stockpile of presents in fancy wrap and pretty ribbons and bows waiting for us under the tree.  Socks (not the fancy stockings we buy specifically for Christmas nowadays) were dug out of our dresser drawers (often Dad's dress socks because they were much longer than the kid-sized ones).  Then, on Christmas Eve, and with much anticipation, they were carefully layed under the tree.  I recall my siblings' huge smiles as they'd scramble up the stairs chattering about expectations of the next day.  The lights on the tree, the smell of fresh evergreen scent, and Dad's Perry Como playing on the record player . . . all good stuff.  (Well, maybe not so much the Perry Como.) 

 

 

What an exciting morning, when we'd dashed downstairs to rip open gifts and devour treats, which always included nuts and the coveted mandarin orange.  Nothing was about show.  It didn't matter, nor did we notice, if the tree was perfectly symmetrical or more like Charlie Brown's.  We loved the entire experience - from the the angel candle carousel that sat on display in the living room to the colourful paper folding chicks, delicate ornaments, and shimmering tinsel.  The pièce de résistance was the beautiful angel that sat regally year after year at the very top of the tree.
 
It's funny how three people can be raised in the same house and each of them has a different recollection of a single tradition.  I recall the chocolate bar tucked in the slipper, my younger sister recalls the chocolate bar tucked inside of an empty toilet paper roll and then in the slipper.  Then, there's my older brother that says, "What slipper?"  Good grief, Charlie Brown.

As a teenager, I'm not sure I was all that enamored with doing the same things over and over, but once I moved out on my own and then married and began raising a family, things changed.  Suddenly, for whatever reason, traditions became important again. They still are.  Now, I see my daughter and her family starting their own traditions but still being a part of her "roots". 

Whether it be Christmas, Easter, Halloween, birthdays, etc. there are no end of opportunities for traditions.  Something I noticed about our kids when they were small - do something once and they'd consider it the beginning of a tradition.  We don't always realize how very important these special times are to our kids until years later.  Sitting around the kitchen table, playing cards and eating popcorn lends itself very nicely to reminiscing.   It's in those moments that we realize that they are the threads of what knits us together as family. 

It makes me sad when I hear grown adults dismissing the importance of wholesome family moments or spouting cynical comments about the outdated notion of traditions.  Not everyone feels that there is merit in big Saturday breakfasts, reading the Candy Cane Story, Christmas baking, birthday fondues, dropping off surprise gift baskets on friends' doorsteps that are in need or just going through a tough time (and dashing off before they answer their door), celebrating birthdays with Red Velvet Cake with delicious White Icing, and opening presents

at breakfast!
 
 Families
serving Easter dinner at a  local homeless shelter, singing carols at a candle lit Christmas Eve service, board game nights, joining in with hundreds of families to ring in the New Year at a community Christmas Tree Bonfire, waking up to birthday balloons all around your bed, or inviting the neighbourhood gals for an annual Christmas Potluck or Summer Solstice Evening are all the building blocks for creating memories.  

Many feel that it's wasteful in more ways than one - waste of time, money, and/or resources.  Maybe, but when I see the joy that comes of those things, not only for myself, but my family, friends and those all around me, then I say, waste away. 

Life is just way too short and this world is moving just a little too fast, not to be creating little traditions that bring happiness and joy.  Yes, sometimes traditions need to change, disappear, or in my daughter's case, meld together to make new ones.  Enjoy the memories of traditions that bring you joy.  Consider letting go of the the traditions that no longer work for you. Don't let traditions that are no longer meaningful get in the way of creating new ones. They've served their purpose - perhaps others in your life still appreciate and enjoy them - if so, that's great for them.  In the end, we need to appreciate that joy can come from many different avenues and every one sees "their joy" differently and that's just fine. 

 
I hope that you will find opportunities to turn the everyday into the exceptional. Giving your kids a sense of security, familiarity, and a family foundation whether it be by family dinners, taking holidays together or simply roasting weiners in the backyard firepit are all places where the real traditions begin.  

Food for Thought:

Traditions are often just the little things we do in life.  Memories, really.  Like it or not, you are doing them - you may just not realize you are.  Cynics are right - traditions do cost something.  They can cost you time: intentional time + intentional action = intentional memories (traditions).  It can be as simple or as complicated, as that.  

 

See you next week!


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THE RIPPLE EFFECT! - CHALLENGE #30

An innocent comment got me thinking.  I was facebooking with someone about a challenge I had posted about doing one nice thing for 7 people over the course of one week.  He asked me if I thought challenging people to get out of their comfort zone to do something like this really made any difference.  Good question, actually. I explained that I thought it did.  Having said that, it seems that often traumatic events or personal crisis seem to be what oftens triggers these acts.  He told me he routinely does acts of kindness but never expects anything in return. Commendable. The world would be a better place, if more people thought like him.  But, I'm not like that.

 

I absolutely do expect something in return.  Sound selfish?  I don't think so.  

 

When I say I don't expect anything from others (other than my kids remembering their manners), I'm quite serious.  What I DO expect is that from the act of kindness, I will be changed.  And, I am - over and over again.  The blessings I've received time and time again will always out-weigh any inconvenience or negative feedback.  Some might argue that things like this are by nature, easier for some than others.  For sure.  However, that should never let you off the hook, nor diminish the effort that others put into it because it comes a little easier to some.  We can all become selfish, thoughtless, callous, or turn a blind eye when life gets busy or inconvenient.
 

 
There must be something to this way of thinking because if you go to the Internet, there is no shortage of the number of "Kindness" sites out there.  It would seem that some find merit in passing along their experiences with generosity - both  in receiving and giving.  Apparently, there are an awful of people out there who believe that "doing for others" is a good way to try to live your life.  Concepts like "paying it forward" have caught on like wild fire.

  
Haley Joel Osment and Kevin  Spacey, starred in the movie, Pay It Forward, which had a huge impact on the Acts of Kindness "movement."  If you've not seen this older movie, it's worth checking out. Inspirational movies, self-help books, and philanthropistic organizations are popping up left and right.  Could it be that people are missing the days when doing the right thing was just what "we did" because it was the right thing to do?

Not long ago, I came across a link devoted to ideas like, the importance of holding the door open for someone.  Good grief.  We need a site for this?  Well - it would seem lots of people think we do.  They have even researched how often people do this in New York City and found that women hold doors open significantly more often than men - that surprised me. Even something as simple as that can make someone's day and change a frown into a smile. Sometimes, people's views on "doing for others" can be a little skewed, too.  I came across this comment on opening the door for others: 

"I hold the door for people all the time...it aggravates me that they don't acknowledge me, as I am not a doorman but a courteous member of society." 


These kind of responses always amuse me. I guess their intention may then not be that of "Random Acts of Kindness" but perhaps simply being courteous or polite.  Good manners are nice but actually, not the same as being intentional in having an impact on someone's day.  We shouldn't confuse politeness with kindness.  The person in the quote, apparently does.  We always want to teach our kids manners - I expect mine to use them when they are out and about.  But, do they show intentional acts of kindness?  Who knows.  I hope so.  Kindness modelled at home tends to have a ripple effect.  We know that bad things certainly can.  I see it in the school system more than I'd like. 

When we start hearing ourselves being annoyed because someone didn't acknowledge our kindness or thoughtfulness, then perhaps we need to take stock of our motives. Doing a favour or extending a helping hand is not unlike giving a gift.  Because, that is essentially what you are giving.  A gift does not require a thank you or pay back.  There is a fine line here, because we've always been taught to say thank you.  Lots of us teach our kids to thank people for other's generosity.  That is learning appreciation.  However, the new generation is not necessarily being taught or modelled that.  There is that saying, "manners are caught, not taught." 

When others thank us for our time, gift, encouragement, etc. that's nice.  However, their thanking us should still not be the impetus for doing something or most of us will be forever discouraged or angry.  The fulfillment and the encouragement we feel about bringing joy into someone's life have to stand alone.

For some, that's not so black and white. 

We can't live our lives, keeping score or keeping track of who did what and who thanked who, otherwise, it's a gift with strings attached.  Many would say they don't do that, but their reactions say otherwise.
 

  If you are going to have strings attached,

make sure they are the right kind!

Home is one of the toughtest places to show kindness, I think.  And, yet, it's one of the places, you will definitely see the ripple effects.  Our actions will play a huge role in how our kids see themselves and others.


On one hand, we are trying to show kids that it's important to do things because they are part of a family.  On the other hand, parents do so much around the house and it seldom is acknowledged or fully appreciated.  There are books written on this stuff, so I won't attempt to show that I know it all.
  
In all honesty, I have been one of those frustrated, fed up parents.  How people can actually step over clothes in the middle of the floor and not see it, boggles my mind.  But, they do.  Truthfully, you WILL make yourself nuts trying to figure it out and lecturing them on it.  Expect it.  Appreciate it on the days, it doesn't happen.   People in your home will rarely notice all we do.  But, what I am finally seeing is that our demeaner and delivery is key.  Screaming, threatening, etc. is a temporary fix but not one that makes anyone feel good.  That kind of change seldom sticks. Then, you are just back at square one again. 
 

                                                           It Starts With You!

The challenge will always be to do it in a kind way.  And maybe THAT is the real Act of Kindness we will have to focus on more at home.  Teaching ourself to remind them in a kind way.  In a humourous way.  In a way, we want others to speak to us.  Family will always be our biggest testing ground for Acts of Kindness.  But, one that has the most meaningful impact.
  
"Perception can often change resentment." This bit of advice comes from a seasoned mom.  Wished I had embraced this one!
  

Her view is that we
can yell at our kids, "You are making me crazy.  You spilled your milk again!  You do it ALL the time!!  Smarten up!"  but the truth of the matter is, kids don't spill their milk all the time.  It may actually only be 4 times a week, but it honestly seems like it's all the time.  The day she realized that, was the day her perspective changed on that and lots of other things in her life. She was thankful that it was only 4 times a week!  A sense of humour totally goes a long way!  And, I am not kidding, either! 


Most of the truly great parents I admire, have a wonderful sense of humour.  That sense of humour, coupled with a good perspective have impacted and rippled through their marriages, home life, extended family, and into their communities.  They would say, they don't always get it right but I see individuals worthy of emulating.

 
In the end, no matter what the motive, the fact that we make the choice to do something nice, does have a ripple effect.  Don't be surprised, if the ripple doesn't come back your way.  That's often how it goes. 
 

It's a little sad when you think that your bit of kindness can be the only nice thing that has happened to someone that day.  Sometimes, the people who need your act of kindness are the ones you least want to give it to.

 Thought for the Day:
 
 
If we think that we are too busy to take time to think about doing something nice for someone else . . . we are likely fooling ourselves.  We all have the same number of hours in our day as Mother Teresa had and look what she did with her hours.  Doing one act of kindness a day may only take 2 seconds out of our day, but for that someone, it may very well be the 2 most important seconds they will experience that week. 

See you next week!  

 

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I'VE GOT OPTIONS! - CHALLENGE #29

If you've ever played cards, you know that often, anything can happen.  With some games, it's just how the cards are distributed that determine the winner.  Other games, you have to figure out what to do with what you are dealt.  Sometimes, one bad decision can mess up your hand and it’s all over.  Sometimes, you can bluff your way to a win.  The game can just be plain frustrating - it's not always easy to know how someone is going to play their hand - some people are just not easy to read.

 
 

Life is kind of like that.  There are days you wake up and everything goes just as it should.  Then, there are days when nothing you do seems to go right. You feel like stomping your feet, wishing you were alone on an island, or screaming as loud as you can and smashing every plate in the house (ok - maybe that's just me). 
 

Or maybe, you've felt like you just can't get a handle on your life, you're tired and feeling like you've been through the wringer washer.  Nothing ever seems to change or looks like it ever will.
 

Mom spent many a day in the basement, feeding the soapy clothes through the rollers of her wringer washer.  She'd drain the tub and soak them again in clean water and finish up re-feeding it all again through the rollers.  If she was lucky, she might not catch her rings or hand in the rollers.  Very painful.  If you've ever seen the clothes that came out of those rollers, you'd be impressed that anything could ever be that flat.  Those rollers squeezed virtually every drop of water out of the garment.  The pancake flat clothes were then shaken out and then hung outside to dry.  Through out all this tedius and thankless work, Mom never complained.  I am sure that she felt that she didn't have many options back then, so what was the point of complaining about what you can't change.  Good point, Mom!  Laundry needed to get done - plain and simple.


These days, we do have options.  Probably more than we could ever imagine.  Just go back in time and you can appreciate how many choices technology has given us today. 


Recently, I heard a song, Options by Gomez.  Quirky band and quirky song but interesting lyrics and fun beat, though    kinda cheesy  :)   YouTube it sometime.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYApHEUCs8s 


It seems that when we are overwhelmed, whether it be with our finances, job, marriage, kids, extended family, etc. we often feel backed into a corner.  It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when the stress keeps piling up. 

I am always so amazed when I hear stories of people who have undergone horrific experiences or receive heartbreaking and devastating news.  I know some wonderful people like this, who inspite of their situations, manage to keep on moving ahead in their daily walk.  How can that be? 


From what I can tell, a common thread seems to be a positive attitude.  Not to say they don't get down and depressed from time to time, but they refuse to stay down. 


The cynic might well say, "Well, what's that going to get you?  That and 50 cents will buy you a cup of coffee."  That well-known idiom pretty much translates into - what a waste of time.   There is no end of people that will agree with that statement.  I've probably said it myself in my darkest moments, but I've since learned to think differently. Now, I can truthfully say . . . you go right ahead and think that but my experiences have been teaching me . . . "We DO have options . . . we may not like them or they may not look like we thought they would but they are there, none the less."


Often, someone else's perspective can make the world of difference.  I can't tell you how many times I have been in a situation (stewing on it) and have, out of frustration, simply asked my husband, "What do you think?  What would you do?  or Why do you think they are doing that?  or What is going on?"  Sometimes, the answer is right in front of my face, but I can't see it for all the stress. 
   
                              
I don't always like his suggestions but often they make great sense or just get me thinking. That has often led to some significant changes - and very positive ones, I'd like to add.  Whichever approach I take, it eventually becomes apparent that, "Oh, wow - I'm not without some choices, here." 

Often it isn't the mountains ahead

that wear you out, it's the little pebble

in your shoe.”               

        Muhammad Ali

May we suggest you consider

taking the pepple out of  your shoe? (Sounds like a "DUH" comment - but it's amazing how many people look past the obvious in their frusrated state.)

Not everyone has great advice or even any advice, but sometimes just talking about it out loud with someone can remind you that there are people out there that care about you. That can be huge for lots of people - trying to handle something on your own and feeling like you can't see the trees for the forest (code for being so focused on the details that you lose sight of the big picture).


It's always hard to see people going through tough times alone and refusing a helping hand.   We don't have all the answers but there's something reassuring about having a shoulder or a listening ear.  I know there are a boat load of people who just won't share their struggles with another living soul (and that sometimes comes with good cause).  Men often fit into this category.  It can be hard or even embarrasing to make oneself vulnerable. Tough road to travel alone.

It may not always
have been some
people's experience,
but for me, my faith has been key to how I deal with tough situations.  It has been very reassuring for me, especially when things have made me anxious beyond belief.  Time spent in prayer has made me realize, I do have options.  Things became clear in ways that might never have occurred to me otherwise.


Seeing a therapist or joining a support group are other practical ways that people have received help to make sense out of the nonsensical.  Insightful books, friends going through similar situations, speaking to specialists that deal with the areas of the concern, etc. can be helpful tools.  It's easy to get in a headspace where we feel incredibly alone in our situation - but chances are very good that many others have gone through something similar. 


Some of my friends with terminal illnesses have shared that in their difficult journey, they have learned a lot about themselves, their options, and how to adapt their thinking to their situation.  Many have experienced deep grief for what they no longer had or would have. They've developed an appreciation for things that most people take for granted (or complain about).  One person told me, "There are worst things in the world than dying.  Being alone and feeling no one cares is horrible.  I'm grateful that is not me.  I have a ton of caring friends and family.  I feel sorry for those people.  I don't feel sorry for me."  Interesting perspective.  


One of my sisters works for Victims Services.  They provide hands on support for those undergoing a crisis as a result of an accident, suicide, or other kinds of tragic events.  She  arrives at the scene (often in the wee hours of the morning) with an RCMP officer and stays in contact with the victim or the family until they feel they no longer have need of her services. This can take a very long time for some.  Often, those going through traumatic situations experience a wide range of emotions and having someone like my sister, to step in and walk along side them as they work through their grief is incredible.  Not knowing what to do when your mind is numb is especially stressful - having someone who is experienced with the legal/court system, counselling services and other resources, or makes themselves available even to talk or vent, is important.  Support, whether it's offered or sought out, can be a huge step on the path to finding closure.  My sister's job is not to "fix" the situation, but to help the victims and/or their families take time to find the brick's to rebuild their lives.  It is important to empower them so they can move forward and try to re-gain control of their lives again. 

Hopefully, you will feel encouraged to see that you have options and can move forward, inspite of your situation, rather than feel you are forever backed into a corner with no choices. 


Maybe, having options really can be about changing our perspective (or attitude).  There was a time, when I wouldn't have believed that or appreciated hearing that, but I've come to discover over time, sometimes, it's just that simple.  Maybe not easy, but simple.  Over-thinking things has been the ruin of many a situation.

 "Some people grumble that roses have thorns; I am grateful that thorns have roses."                                                                                             
                                  Alphonse Karr
 
I certainly don't want to undermine anyone's situation . . . everyone has their journey. What is a concern to one, may not be a big deal to another. However, that doesn't diminish its importance. Some things in life are often not easy or clear cut - for those struggling with mental illness, having a strong support system is important.

Someone once told me, "When the situation seems unbearable, run!"  I thought she meant run from the problem - but she actually meant, RUN. 

Her experience was that intense exercise could be very therapeutic - sitting around fretting, 
eventually drains you and keeps you from going anywhere - physically and mentally.  I imagine, it doesn't have to be just running - anything that gets you really moving . . . swimming, power walking, bouncing on a rebounder, etc. can be yet another helpful tool.


Food for Thought:

Worry is a lot like a rocking chair.  It gives you something to do but takes you nowhere.
                               Erma Bombeck  


Thinking you never have options, is a little the same.  While there is a time and a place for the rocker, eventually you need to get off of it and strap on those walking shoes.  You've got places to go and things to work out!


See you next week!

 

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WHEN THINGS MAKE NO SENSE! - CHALLENGE #28

               ALICE IN WONDERLAND
         
Not sure if you are like me, but when things don't make sense, I find it very hard to go along with them. That's not to say that I have to understand them, but if they rub me the wrong way because they are illogical or unfair, then . . . I feel like a fish swimming up stream - F R U S T R A T E D . 
 
Alice in Wonderland - one annoying movie, in my estimation.  I suppose there is a story line but when you have to listen to songs or watch movies almost to the end before they make any sense. . . they're not a keeper. Even as a kid, I disliked that movie. Thank goodness this wasn't one that my kids insisted on replaying until the cows came home.

Being in an environment with mean or uncompassionate people is difficult.  I really don't get why people are mean on purpose. Nor, why it's so hard for some people to empathize with others.  Most of those kinds of people don't seem to see that flaw (or any, actually) in themselves.   Sometimes, they are even the first to point an accusing figure at others.  Go figure. Check this video out.  How would  you handle this if it were you or your daughter?  http://www.godvine.com/Girl-Voted-The-Ugliest-Woman-on-YouTube-Makes-a-Heartfelt-Video-1464.html#.UJXdPaJsL20.facebook (not sure if right clicking on this link and going to 'copied address' at the top will get you there.)

Trying to have a positive attitude around those kinds of people often makes you feel like you're hitting your head against the wall. The challenge is not to lose sight in your intentions.  We never know if our encouragement and presence will make a difference.  We should live, as if it will.  

I am not a big believer in change for the sake of change, so when I am prompted by others to do that, it has to make sense to ME. There have been times when I've been "asked" to make changes that would be in the best interest of others.  I must say, those conversations generally don't go well.  Considering my nature is one in which I tend to be looking out for the best interests of those around me anyway, I'm generally pretty confident in saying, "NO" when I don't agree.  That doesn't always sit well with those in authority.  One has to be prepared to "be shown the door" when you take a stand like that.  That's happened.  At the time, it's was hard to understand or wrap my head around but as time went on, I've been able to be ok with it, and in hindsight, I'm glad I stood my ground and didn't back down.

Recently, I was at a seminar and a thought was shared.  For me, it was one of those "ah ha" moments.  A kids' behaviour is their way of telling you "something".  I guess that notion never really occured to me.  When I mentioned the idea to another person, they simply stated, "Well, that's obvious."  Maybe, but maybe not.  We can make wrong assumptions based on our experiences with other kids. Sounds simple (and obvious) enough but we've all seen kids behave badly time and time again and comments such as, "he's spoiled," "he's an only child," or "he doesn't know how to share" are conclusions that are easy to come to.  But, what if it's none of those?  Maybe, we are just too quick to make a call without thoroughly probing the behaviour.  If you don't know what's going on in their head (or behind closed doors) it's easy enough to get it wrong. It's also easy enough to lose our patience or blow them off. 


Watching children that are full of life and unaware that their home situations are different from others is sad. Seeing that they are not cared for or loved as they should be is heartbreaking.  You want to just shake those parents - how can they not see or care?



This week, a wonderful young gal that I knew, died unexpectedly. She had a bubbly personality and an everpresent smile. Why that happened may always be a mystery. When a young life is extinguished, no matter what the reason, it is hard to process.


Injustice is everywhere.  Sadness is everywhere.  Pain is everywhere.  If anyone says they don't experience it, maybe they don't . . . because they are the ones creating it.
                      

I imagine my own kids have felt their home situations have been "unfair" from time to time and that their Cruella de Vil type-mother made their social lives unbearable.  I would be a liar if I said that I never had been unreasonable.  Because I was/can still be.  Frustration will do that to you.

I have to remember that when I see unfair situations . . . what I see, may not always be the whole story.  We always seem to assume the very worst . . . myself included. 

 

Having said that, I've seen people unfairly accused only to have the story set straight years later.  But, what a journey for those that are dragged down it.

I think that whatever the situation, fair or not, there is always something to be learned.  Often those lessons make no sense at the time. Sometimes, it's a very long time before they become clear.

If we become cynical and hard-hearted, it's generally not a good lesson we take away from it.  Like it or not, I think we always take a lesson away from our situation - it just may not always be apparent to us at the time. Very few of us have the wisdom to being able to see the positive in the negative right off the get go. Whether it's good or bad/sad is to be seen.  If we choose to see some redeeming lesson in our pain, it eventually seems comes to us. 

Learning through our experiences can take a very long time but even the wait itself, can be a lesson.  Sometimes, there will be situations that just never make sense - at least not in this lifetime, anyway. 

No one gets a free ride in life - pain, hurt, and death are inevitable.  Yet, we always seem shocked or confused when they come our way.  Why is that?  Do we live in a bubble or try to protect our families from the harsh realities of life, too often?  Whether we are there or not, kids do get picked last for teams in the school yard, not everyone gets equal playing time on sports teams, our kids may never make honour roll (no matter how hard they try), etc.  Seems to me, it would be better for everyone, if we gave them tools to handle those "harsh realities" rather than insulating them.  But, that's just me.

We can't live our lives avoiding . . . "life" - because it will happen, whether we like it or not.  Whether it makes sense, or not.  Like the weather - it rains, it snows, the wind blows, the sun shines.  It's beyond our control but ultimately, we just deal with whatever comes our way.  The same with crazy or awful situtations. 

I have friends that feel there is a black cloud following them around all their lifes.  Not so, but people can sometimes talk themselves into anything.  So remember that . . . if you can talk yourself into anything, then you may well be able to talk yourself out of it, too.  You don't always have to understand something 100% to take control of your part of the situation.

Surround yourself with encouraging people, not discouraging ones. Those that have a good head on their shoulders can help you make sense out of hard situations.  We shake our heads and wonder what we could have done differently.  Sometimes, there's not a thing we could have done to change things.  Learning to live for today, appreciate what we have, and realize that while our time today may be in a dark valley . . . nothing ever stays the same for long.  We eventually get to the mountain top again.  A good reason to live in the moment because the reverse holds true, too.  Appreciate where you are.  That's how life rolls.  Like or not.

Food for Thought:

One little girl, who is very grateful

that her parents decided that

even though their situation didn't make sense,

she did! 

 

See you next week for my Challenge #29!!

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