MOMENTS THAT MAKE YOU THINK - CHALLENGE #39!

 

 

 

Have you ever met someone that has a story that has struck you as incredibly moving or sad?  You may even have them stuck in your mind and find yourself thinking about their situation over and over.  It could even be someone that you've never met, but their story gets shared with you.  Recently, I had that very experience.  A Dad in his early 40's.  He had moved to this country to find work so he could support his young family back home.  He lived with friends from his birth country and worked long hard hours at a minimum wage paying job.  He never complained - he was very thankful to have work and a paycheque.  Sometime later, he developed cancer - an unusual cancer, no less. 

He continued to work, when he could, while undergoing treatments.  Then came the heartbreaking news - there would be nothing more the medical staff could do for him.  They suggested he go back to his home to put his affairs in order and say his good-byes to his family.  He was not expected to live out the week.  Almost immediately, his close friends and some of his co-workers made plans for a farewell potluck that would be followed by a small church service.  My son shared a few of the details with me.  The dinner conversation was lively and jovial, but as the evening wore on, the tone became sadder and sadder.  The next day, he boarded a plane for his home country.  He went home to say good-bye to his wife and children and to ... die.  How sad is that?  I couldn't stop thinking about this man and envisioned his flight home . . . leaning against a cold hard window, staring out into space, and helplessly reflecting on his final days.  How would I handle it, if I were handed this news?  The reality is that my family would have spent huge amounts of money exhausting every possibility "out there".  People like this fellow, often don't have those options.  

Some time back, I was enjoying a nice hot cup of coffee in a local fast food hangout, waiting for my friend to arrive.  Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that something was going on at the till.  As I watched the scene unfold, I could see the customer's flailing arms and hear his voice getting louder and louder.  Clearly he was angry.  He was insisting that he wanted to order "breakfast" and was not at all interested in hearing the server's explaination that they were now serving lunch (and had been for over an hour).  The gal behind the counter was polite but firm.  The customer, whose blood was boiling and threatening to pop a vein in his red face, ranted and raved about how uneducated she obviously was and that she was stupid and clearly didn't know a thing about customer service.  He would report her and she could kiss her job good-bye.  Seeing the effect it had on the young server, he finished off his tyrade with some colourful sexist comments and stormed off.  

At that moment, I didn't just see the young gal standing there, but a person who could easily have been my own daughter.  It upsets me to think that people are so full of themselves that they feel it is their right to humiliate people who are ... just doing their job. How would he have handled that, if their roles had been reversed?  Or better yet, how would he have re-acted watching someone humiliate his own daughter that way?  

I'm sure there are moments in everyone's life that makes them wonder why people do what they do, re-act the way they do, and question how they would respond if put into the exact same situation.  I don't think we appreciate the privileges that come with having a good education, being financial comfortable, having decent working conditions, and good health.  A change in any of those circumstances can send you for a loop, if you are not prepared. 

Sometimes there isn't much people can do about their circumstances, but sometimes there is.  Years ago, I had the opportunity to spend time at the Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, D.C.  What an experience.  As we toured through the facility, watched the videos, examined the memorabelia . .. I was struck at how the survivors of this horrific experience were able to later function when the war came to an end. I suspect many did not cope well at all.  However, the impression we were left with was that through the ordeal . . . they never gave up hope that they would be rescued from their circumstances.  Every day was lived intentionally with the mindset that the end would one day be in sight and that they WOULD live to see it.  Amazing.  We can only imagine how truly depraved their living conditions actually were and how desperate they must have become to survive.  It horrifies me that so many lives ended in such brutal ways.  It is incredibly heartbreaking to think how awful it would be to see your loved ones taken away, never to be seen again.  How would I have re-acted if that were me? 
 

We will all face injustices and frustrations with family, friends, neighbours, bosses, etc.  It's easy to forget all the good stuff going on in our lives when the annoying things take over.  But . . .they will always be there.  So, what do we do about them?  Life lessons are everywhere but if we can remove ourselves from our own pain or possibly, our personal pity parties for a little bit, we might see that there could be something we can take away from the experience.  That's why I love hanging out with my hubby, when I'm having a lousy day - he's always such a calming person to vent to.  The challenge is to listen to him.  Sometimes, I need to vent first, but then the voice of reason, generally kicks in.  It's probably a lot easier to see those lessons when we are sitting a restaurant watching somone else acting badly or hearing sad circumstances of others' situations, isn't it?  Then, we are sometimes moved to act, defend the underdog, donate to the cause, or step up to the plate and make a difference. 

I'm thinking that we seldom are moved to re-act in a positive way when we are the one in the middle of "it".  Maybe, that's the time to stop and breathe and step back.  If we are hearing someone saying things like, "You're not listening," or "Calm down!" - hmmm - or we are seeing visually upset faces on those that we are talking to . . . then, maybe we are in one of those moments that should be making us think.  Sometimes, just evaluating the situation (or talking to someone whose opinion you trust - and not just expecting them to validate our side of the story) can make us stop and think.  
Remember, every coin has two sides.

It's also not unlike looking at a droopy plant.  We check the soil, conclude
it needs some water, deal with it and it springs back to life.  Now, I realize that not everything in life is that straightforward and easy to solve ... but most things in life don't need to overwhelm us either.  When you see things happening that touch your compassionate side - think how much nicer it would be if you could do something that would bring hope to that person.  Often, in our generosity, we are the one that benefits the most. 

Food for Thought:

Apathy

HAPPENS

WHEN WE STOP COUNTING

OUR BLESSINGS.

 

See you next week!

 

 

  
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CLUTTER! I CAN'T THINK!!!!! - CHALLENGE #38

 

 

Clutter.  Even just saying the word ... makes me bristle.   When I cook ... I realize it is logical to clean up one mess before you begin another, but often, I don't.  Or at least, rarely.  Can I tell you how many recipes I've screwed up because I've got 2 or 3 dishes going at the same time.  And, since I'm the type of person that can be side-tracked by a piece of lint . . . mixing up recipes can be brutal on the taste buds.  Many a night we've had to whip out the cereal because dinner was a bomb.

Quite frankly, I am of the opinion that those of us that are cluttered in one part of our life, typically have it spill over into other parts. After awhile, that can become a real problem or at the very least, incredibly frustrating.  I "thought" it all started with the "black hole" in my basement but, if I was really honest with myself, I have to admit that I have lots of little black holes in my life (the basement one is just the most obvious).

There's the over-stuffed bag I tote to and from school - trying to find anything in that bag is an exercise in futility.  My laundry room - a very busy place - can go from tidy to chaos in short order.  It generally gets cleaned up after I find myself in one of my, "I'VE HAD ENOUGH" days.  The book shelves have been overstuffed for years - I've actually found duplicates!  Just because they get dusted and are lined up doesn't mean that I need to keep them, does it?  If they aren't getting read - what in the world do I need them for?  Yes, I paid a lot of money for them but the likelihood of me re-reading them again, are slim to none.  It took me years to even realize I had multiple copies!  Maybe I just need to pack them up and drop them off at a used book store for others to enjoy.  The suitcase closet has become its own nightmare (I'm wondering when the right time is to get rid of ancient wheel-less baby blue luggage that's been taking up valuable space). 
 

The garage is now housing random cardboard boxes that we might use "one day" to take the stuff from the basement to the charity organizations, and so on.  Saving things that you might one day find some use for has become my crutch.  Keeping some things makes sense, but if it's not organized and stored away - it only adds to chaotic clutter.  I'm starting to sound like a potential hoarder, huh?  I'm not, but I guess even they had to start somewhere.

I know some people believe that clutter is "their style" and that may be true.  You always hear of people saying that they think better and work better surrounded by their "organized clutter".  I am pretty sure I've used that line, too.  Only problem is . . . one's clutter not only spills over into other parts of our life but other people's lives, too.  How many times have family, friends or co-workers sat waiting for us while we've torn our desk, house, car, etc. apart looking for yet another thing?

Years ago, I read a statement from the Fly Lady (an organizational website - I've mention her before - she's got herself a very helpful and detailed website) ... 'you can't clean clutter.'  I think that's fairly accurate.  In fact, if you have too much clutter ... it's quite overwhelming trying to figure out how and where to start.  I won't re-invent the wheel - check her out  (flylady.com).

I, for one, find that when I am surrounded by clutter of any kind . . . it  definitely affects my presence of mind.  Not only that . . . my sleep and how I go about my day.  The busier I am, the less restful sleep I seem to get.  Rarely can I relax during the day when things are whirling around in my head.  The more I have on my plate, the more I have on my mind.  So, in essence - clutter clutters your mind. 

When I say clutter, I am not just talking about physical clutter.  That's something that we would normally think of when we envision clutter.  But - clutter can be other things, too.  How about the mail, unpaid bills, and/or returning phones calls/e-mails.  They need to be dealt with, but how often do we throw our mail in a pile and get busy with life.  We check the answering machine or open e-mails with the intention of returning the message.  Time flies, you get side-tracked - it doesn't happen. But - you don't totally forget . . . at the most inopportune time (like 2:00 a.m.) you suddenly remember.  And, then you start thinking on it. Before you know it, it's 3:00 and you are punching your pillow trying to nod off, "Oh, man - I've got to get up in a few hours.  I have to remember to take care of that."  Then, you drift off into an unsatisfied sleep and a week goes by before you get around to dealing with it.  We never really forget it though, do we?  Our sneaky little subconscious won't let us.  It's "there" just sitting at the back of our mind - refusing to allow us to be totally relaxed.  "Out of sight" doesn't necessarily mean "out of mind".  Keeping a note pad or Post Its and pen by your bed, in you bathroom, car, and other key places is very helpful. 

I've mentioned before that I have my small note book that I carry around with me, and it has been a life saver and a time saver.  I'm always surprised when I open it up to see reminders about things that I had temporarily forgotten about!  It's saved my hide on more than one occasion!  I've had to admit to myself that I'm terrible at paying bills, so now, when I pick up the mail, I plunk the unopened envelopes down on my husband's counter (he's really the one who seems to manage to deal with those pesky bills in a timely fashion, anyway).  I've started deleting unnecessary e-mails right away (often without reading them) and avoid opening e-mails, if I can't respond immediately.

Maybe your schedule is causing you to break out in a sweat.  Too much going on.  Could be that you are just taking on too much.  I recall telling my husband that if I could just get through that month ... things would get easier.  He laughed and said, "Hon, you say that about every month."  Turns out, he was right!  In the not so distant past, I would be the first to jump on board with the good ideas.  Now, I am not breaking down the doors so quickly.  I'm holding out for the great ideas, instead. Training yourself, not to commit yourself to a yes or no on the spot, is a good way to give yourself some time to think.  I've told my kids in the past, "if you need an answer right away, then it's no. If you can wait, it MIGHT be yes."    It's funny how when you free up your schedule. . . what a difference that makes in your outlook (and sleep).  There will always be good causes, time slots that need to be filled, and events to attend.  Sitting down and looking at your calendar is always a good thing. We don't always do that ... maybe it's time to be a little more diligent about it.  Your sanity will thank you!   

We always KNOW that last minute things are bound to happen - expect them, so don't make your life so full that when a sick day is in order, you can afford to take one.  

Having a Plan B is not such a bad idea.  That's my slogan for 2013, as I mentioned in my first post for the New Year.  Life is .... Plan B.  While, you can't live your life always anticipating every little thing that could go wrong, you do need to give a little thought to the more important things that might need a back up plan. 

Food for Thought: 

Any change you make matters.  The trick is to be consistent.  Cut yourself some slack – Rome wasn’t built in a day.   Sit down and think about what areas in your life need some work.  Breaking the clutter down into manageable amounts and reasonable time frames will go a lot further than taking on too much, getting overwhelmed and then, losing interest or burning out.   Start by de-cluttering something simple..  Throw out/donate 20-25 things every day for a week.  Store a box in your car for the donations - after filling it each day for a week,  drop the box(es) off at a local charity.  Then, repeat it again.  You might find it easier to do one room, one drawer, one space at a time - then move onto another spot.  It's manageable and it's done.  Taking it out of your house right away, keeps you from creating more clutter.  It’s amazing how surrounding yourself with less can create more (peace).

Guess, I'll head off to the garage and stick one of those boxes in my car! 

See you next week!

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HAS ANYONE SEEN MY SENSE OF HUMOUR? - CHALLENGE #37!


You know you've lost your sense of humor when the little things in life don't make you chuckle.  Someone once told me that they though people, in general, have become so cynical about life or are so focused on work that they don't have time to laugh anymore.  That could be true for a lot of people.  Or maybe they are like me . . . overwhelmed with the day to day stuff that they don't sit long enough to even notice funny things. 


If you've ever watched a little kid laugh . . . it sure doesn't take much.  Everything is funny, it seems.  Just watching them laugh, makes you laugh.  It's sweet to see that they are so untouched by life around them. 

As we get beaten up by the world, experience sad or difficult times, it's easy to end up with tunnel vision.  I've heard comments like, "Well, wait until YOU go through that.  You won't see life the same."  or  "I used to be like that, but everyone is always looking out for themselves.  I'm tired of getting screwed." 

It's true, I think, that people have gotten pretty discouraged with life and the condition of the world.  If you watch movies or tv shows, many have stepped beyond the boundaries of appropriate.  LOTS contain incredible amounts of violence, cynicism, sex, and lewd topics and langauge.  The sad thing is, many don't even notice anymore.  Even sadder - there is a generation growing up that doesn't even realize that what they are watching is 'crossing the line' because . . . they don't know where the line was supposed to be!

The innocence of children goes by the wayside sooner than is necessary - we as parents have some responsibility in that.  A month or so back, I sat behind a little boy (probably only gr. 4) in the latest James Bond movie.  The parents didn't even notice that the child was squirming in his seat through some of the scenes.  At one point, he just got up and left the theatre.  The parents looked at each other, smirked a bit, and went on to watch their movie!  Holy Cow!    

 

When you are surrounded by (or growing up with) negativity, off coloured jokes and humour, job insecurity, financial pressures, violence, behaviours that no longer have boundaries . . . is it any wonder that we find it hard to find reasons to laugh and be joyful?  You can easily be consumed or tainted by what's around you. 



I, for one, get so discouraged when I see how much the world has changed and how potentially good avenues such as the Media, Facebook, Texting, and the Internet have had such a negative impact on our families and social circles.  I've seen kids that I know, get lured into some crass and incredibly inappropriate behaviours.  Some might say it's a "stage" they are going through but I'm not so sure.  Everything we do, impacts us - long term or short term.  Adults aren't immune to that, either.

So - for someone who is sensitive to all that negativity "out there" - how does one deal with that?  Well - for one - I try not to add to it.  I have often been 'accused' of being Miss Goody Two-Shoes.  OK - I will admit . . . I like happy endings, I like when the underdog wins, I like it when the 'bad guy' sees the light and becomes the 'good guy', and I like when the sun shines, people support good causes, and when my family WANT to do things together.  But, what's wrong with all that?  I think it's sad, when you try to make a difference and those around you think it's pathetic.  But, in spite of those that ridicule me . . . I choose to support their children, encourage their children, and find ways to make my day and those around me, a nicer and more positive place to be.  So, sue me. 

There is always a price to be paid when you get overwhelmed with things that suck in life.  You tend to lose your sense of humour and laughter.  A few years ago, one of my sons said to me, "I remember when you used to laugh."  Ouch.  An innocent, but insightful comment.  But, it's easy to get so focused on life and what's going on around you that you forget to take time to work on that.  Working on having fun laughing - how sad is that?  For some of us, it does end up becoming work because it's just not something we do enough of.
 

"Always laugh when you can, it is cheap medicine.”
― George Gordon Byron

 

The health benefits of laughing are so amazing -according to Care2, laughter:

• Lowers blood pressure
• Increases memory and learning; in a study at Johns Hopkins University Medical School, humor during instruction led to increased test scores
• Defends against respiratory infections–even reducing the frequency of colds–by immunoglobulon in saliva.
• Improves alertness, creativity, and memory
• Reduces certain stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline
• Increases the response of tumor- and disease-killing cells such as Gamma-interferon and T-cells. (I've heard of many studies that document that those fighting serious diseases that laugh and have a positive outlook fare much better than those that don't.) 
• laughter helps the pituitary gland release its own pain-suppressing opiates

In all honesty, the past few years have been so draining that it's been so easy to just "forget" about laughing.  Sometimes, we need to make some drastic (or not so drastic) changes in our lives to accommodate "joy".  With the arrival of this new year, it's been timely to think about change.  Already, things have changed for me.  But, more importantly, I am aware that I needed to make some changes.  That's always the first step.  We can't change everything (or maybe even lots of things) but we can be the one to change some things about ourselves.

 
Food for Thought:

Being around people who don't or won't laugh . . . really isn't very uplifting.  Think about it - moths are attracted to bright lights - they aren't attracted to the dark and depressing.  People are no different. 
   

VS      

 

   

"There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor." 

― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

 

 

See you next week! 

 


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TO REST OR NOT TO REST - THAT IS THE CHALLENGE! - CHALLENGE #36

 

 

WE ALL HAVE OUR IDEAS OF WHAT REST LOOKS LIKE. YOU KNOW SOMETHING IS OUT OF SYNC IF YOU ALWAYS FEEL YOU NEED TO LEAVE WHERE YOU ARE TO FIND IT.

 

Here I am lying in bed, deciding whether to get up and go and drink coffee or continue to extend my sleep-in time. Well - obviously I am not sleeping anymore, but this is something I just never do. Lie in bed. Generally, once I am up, I am off to do something - anything.  Time is ticking.  The early morning has a purpose, as does the rest of the day.  Having a coffee, spending time on the internet, or checking
e-mails pretty much defines resting for me.  I like the IDEA of resting but it just seems to achieve so very little. I can't even say that I feel rested after I "rest".  It's easy to go from sitting around "relaxing" to blowing the whole day, accomplishing nothing.  For me, it seems it's all or nothing.  I can't seem to get motivated once I am sitting and resting.  Mostly, I just end up feeling like I've wasted valuable time.

 
We all know a slackerd or two and we sure don't want to be like them. I've actually told my family that when I'm working, they are not allowed to sit around in front of me not working.  Find another room to be in.  I can get incredible amounts of things done and not think twice about it, BUT I can't handle people physically sitting around me and not contributing. That's when the not so nice part of me emerges.

 

Typically at this time of the year, things start out so well with resolutions, but somewhere as the months fly by, it all goes to hell in a handbasket. Mostly, I'm thinking it's because I tend to allow other people's agendas to change my agenda. It seems that as other people lose sight of their schedules, obligations, etc. I invariably get handed their stress or I feel guilty watching them struggle and offer to help them out (which often means taking on projects that I don't have time for).  We may mean well, but when one does that too often, it is no longer their stress - it becomes ours.  Therein lies my problem.  When I get busy trying to help others, it's easy to lose sight of how it's affecting my own life. Funny how you don't see those things until you are forced to look for solutions for change.

 

As I review the past year - the number one thing that brought me the most stress was . . . other people's stress. When you are a "do-er" by nature, fixing problems can be a big problem. Some would say, the issue might actually be me having poor "boundaries". Possibly. Well--actually--that's probably a good summarization. When you combine guilt/procrastination/poor boundaries -it's a recipe for disaster. No wonder rest doesn't happen. When you're busy running around taking care of other people's business (partly because they can't or won't do it themselves) then it's a no brainer as to why our own tasks pile up. It's all a big sticky mess.
 

Viewing rest as not being a time waster is a hard concept to let go of.  Many people don't even realize that they don't relax.  They just keep going and going until they burn out, lash out, or find themselves becoming very critical or negative.  Multi-tasking is a buzz word but not necessarily always a good thing.   I think that mothers probably struggle hard with all of this.   Case in point - it never occurs to me to sit down and watch a movie with my family - there always seems to be things that I "could" be doing.  I virtually never take the time to play card or board games with my family - I'm generally the martryr cleaning up the kitchen while they sit and have fun. WHO is going to do the things that NEED to be done if I don't?  Things left undone typically defer to "Mom".   Note to self:  there is nothing wrong with telling someone to do it!  Honestly, sometimes we are our own worst enemies!

Interesting side note:  many women that I really admire seem to manage to look after life in their homes well enough, find time to spend time with friends and family, and still keep their wits about them - how is that?  Even more interesting is that most of them are significantly younger than I am.  Hmmmmmm.   Is it because they have seen what happens when their older "sisters" get side-tracked or hear their rants and ravings?  Not sure. 

 

When I talk to them - they tell me that personal time isn't an option, if you want to help avoid resentment and burnout. That, and lowering their standards or expectations of themselves and others to a do-able level.  The world doesn't end because the bathroom gets cleaned once every other week.  I suppose that's true!  If other people don't like it, they can always stay at their own house or better yet, volunteer to clean it for us!   Pressure is seldom inflicted from the outside - it's generally from the inside.  Putting yourself last is one of worst ways to be rested. It won't happen.
 

Recently, I got myself a good dose of reality.  While visiting my parents, I decided to accompany my Mom to her Day Program at a local seniors' care facility.  Mom has Alzheimers, but the other patients at the facility don't all have that condition.  Participating in the Sing-A-Long gave me a chance to watch patients who actually live at the care centre, interact during this social time. They'd find a spot to sit and get comfortable.  They weren't agitated or in a hurry to go anywhere else. They just sang, hummed, pretended to be reading the words in the song book, smiled, or just fell asleep.  Some had no idea where they were (or maybe even who they were) but they did realize that at that very moment, the idea was not to multi-task - it was to sit and enjoy. Sit and enjoy. Wow - I'm not sure that phrase has ever really been a routine part of my day.

Resting (physically or mentally) has never felt very restful for me.  When you have things to do rolling around in your mind . . . it's hard to "be still".  I'm slowly seeing that taking or making time to rest - to laugh and enjoy ourselves, to re-evaluate priorities, to make realistic plans on how you can accomplish what needs to be done ... makes sense.  Rest was created for a reason, not just a season. 

As I watched those seniors at the care centre ... I couldn't help but wonder what they would say about what they'd do differently, if they had their last 30 years back. I'm sure they'd say that "life" went by way too quickly or that their priorities got sabotaged far too easily and that the little things in life, really ended up being the important things. That's where I am at. That crossroad. Which road do I take and what do I want my journey on that road to look like?   I'm either in the driver's seat making those choices or I'm sitting in the back seat allowing someone else to make them for me.  Hmmmmm.

Food for Thought:
                  (adapted from Simple Marriage)

A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous “Yes.”
The Professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
“Now,” said the Professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things – your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else – the small stuff.”
“If you put the sand into the jar first”, he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”
When he had finished, there was a profound silence. Then one of the students raised her hand and with a puzzled expression, inquired what the beer represented.
The Professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers (or whatever) with friends.”

See you next week!

 

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