TO REST OR NOT TO REST - THAT IS THE CHALLENGE! - CHALLENGE #36

 

 

WE ALL HAVE OUR IDEAS OF WHAT REST LOOKS LIKE. YOU KNOW SOMETHING IS OUT OF SYNC IF YOU ALWAYS FEEL YOU NEED TO LEAVE WHERE YOU ARE TO FIND IT.

 

Here I am lying in bed, deciding whether to get up and go and drink coffee or continue to extend my sleep-in time. Well - obviously I am not sleeping anymore, but this is something I just never do. Lie in bed. Generally, once I am up, I am off to do something - anything.  Time is ticking.  The early morning has a purpose, as does the rest of the day.  Having a coffee, spending time on the internet, or checking
e-mails pretty much defines resting for me.  I like the IDEA of resting but it just seems to achieve so very little. I can't even say that I feel rested after I "rest".  It's easy to go from sitting around "relaxing" to blowing the whole day, accomplishing nothing.  For me, it seems it's all or nothing.  I can't seem to get motivated once I am sitting and resting.  Mostly, I just end up feeling like I've wasted valuable time.

 
We all know a slackerd or two and we sure don't want to be like them. I've actually told my family that when I'm working, they are not allowed to sit around in front of me not working.  Find another room to be in.  I can get incredible amounts of things done and not think twice about it, BUT I can't handle people physically sitting around me and not contributing. That's when the not so nice part of me emerges.

 

Typically at this time of the year, things start out so well with resolutions, but somewhere as the months fly by, it all goes to hell in a handbasket. Mostly, I'm thinking it's because I tend to allow other people's agendas to change my agenda. It seems that as other people lose sight of their schedules, obligations, etc. I invariably get handed their stress or I feel guilty watching them struggle and offer to help them out (which often means taking on projects that I don't have time for).  We may mean well, but when one does that too often, it is no longer their stress - it becomes ours.  Therein lies my problem.  When I get busy trying to help others, it's easy to lose sight of how it's affecting my own life. Funny how you don't see those things until you are forced to look for solutions for change.

 

As I review the past year - the number one thing that brought me the most stress was . . . other people's stress. When you are a "do-er" by nature, fixing problems can be a big problem. Some would say, the issue might actually be me having poor "boundaries". Possibly. Well--actually--that's probably a good summarization. When you combine guilt/procrastination/poor boundaries -it's a recipe for disaster. No wonder rest doesn't happen. When you're busy running around taking care of other people's business (partly because they can't or won't do it themselves) then it's a no brainer as to why our own tasks pile up. It's all a big sticky mess.
 

Viewing rest as not being a time waster is a hard concept to let go of.  Many people don't even realize that they don't relax.  They just keep going and going until they burn out, lash out, or find themselves becoming very critical or negative.  Multi-tasking is a buzz word but not necessarily always a good thing.   I think that mothers probably struggle hard with all of this.   Case in point - it never occurs to me to sit down and watch a movie with my family - there always seems to be things that I "could" be doing.  I virtually never take the time to play card or board games with my family - I'm generally the martryr cleaning up the kitchen while they sit and have fun. WHO is going to do the things that NEED to be done if I don't?  Things left undone typically defer to "Mom".   Note to self:  there is nothing wrong with telling someone to do it!  Honestly, sometimes we are our own worst enemies!

Interesting side note:  many women that I really admire seem to manage to look after life in their homes well enough, find time to spend time with friends and family, and still keep their wits about them - how is that?  Even more interesting is that most of them are significantly younger than I am.  Hmmmmmm.   Is it because they have seen what happens when their older "sisters" get side-tracked or hear their rants and ravings?  Not sure. 

 

When I talk to them - they tell me that personal time isn't an option, if you want to help avoid resentment and burnout. That, and lowering their standards or expectations of themselves and others to a do-able level.  The world doesn't end because the bathroom gets cleaned once every other week.  I suppose that's true!  If other people don't like it, they can always stay at their own house or better yet, volunteer to clean it for us!   Pressure is seldom inflicted from the outside - it's generally from the inside.  Putting yourself last is one of worst ways to be rested. It won't happen.
 

Recently, I got myself a good dose of reality.  While visiting my parents, I decided to accompany my Mom to her Day Program at a local seniors' care facility.  Mom has Alzheimers, but the other patients at the facility don't all have that condition.  Participating in the Sing-A-Long gave me a chance to watch patients who actually live at the care centre, interact during this social time. They'd find a spot to sit and get comfortable.  They weren't agitated or in a hurry to go anywhere else. They just sang, hummed, pretended to be reading the words in the song book, smiled, or just fell asleep.  Some had no idea where they were (or maybe even who they were) but they did realize that at that very moment, the idea was not to multi-task - it was to sit and enjoy. Sit and enjoy. Wow - I'm not sure that phrase has ever really been a routine part of my day.

Resting (physically or mentally) has never felt very restful for me.  When you have things to do rolling around in your mind . . . it's hard to "be still".  I'm slowly seeing that taking or making time to rest - to laugh and enjoy ourselves, to re-evaluate priorities, to make realistic plans on how you can accomplish what needs to be done ... makes sense.  Rest was created for a reason, not just a season. 

As I watched those seniors at the care centre ... I couldn't help but wonder what they would say about what they'd do differently, if they had their last 30 years back. I'm sure they'd say that "life" went by way too quickly or that their priorities got sabotaged far too easily and that the little things in life, really ended up being the important things. That's where I am at. That crossroad. Which road do I take and what do I want my journey on that road to look like?   I'm either in the driver's seat making those choices or I'm sitting in the back seat allowing someone else to make them for me.  Hmmmmm.

Food for Thought:
                  (adapted from Simple Marriage)

A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous “Yes.”
The Professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
“Now,” said the Professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things – your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else – the small stuff.”
“If you put the sand into the jar first”, he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”
When he had finished, there was a profound silence. Then one of the students raised her hand and with a puzzled expression, inquired what the beer represented.
The Professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers (or whatever) with friends.”

See you next week!

 

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HERE WE ARE 2013 - CHALLENGE #35

Here we are ---- new year . . .

 new expectations . . .

new hopes . . . 

new resolutions . . .

new issues . . . 

new guilt . . . 

new problems, and

new stresses.

It can go on and on. It can also be whatever you envision or whatever people throw at you. Often, it feels like so much of what happens in our lives are not our doing.  I've always said, "I can only be as organized as other people let me be."  In a lot of ways, that is very true, but in some ways . . . my stressors can often be the result of my own doing.

  

A week or so back, I stood at a check out counter, randomly checking out the magazines. Virtually every second magazine addressed the issue of getting organized / making all sorts of life changes for the coming year.  Now, is that because we have all suddenly discovered that we haven't a clue of how to run our lives or is it just a timely topic to push magazine sales. Well - I'm sure the magazines have a good idea of what sells. They know very well that if we consumers see it in print enough times, then it might just subconciously say to us . . . "Hey!  You need some help, don't you?  Buy this and we will magically get you organized and make your life run so much smoother!"  And, many fall into their little web . . . I know I've bought my fair share of "lifesavers" over the years.

For some of us . . . we would just as soon forget the year we are leaving because it was awful, awful, awful.  Sometimes, awful things do happen - a death, a terminal diagnosis, a job or marriage loss, a severing of a relationship, etc.  There are times when we simply have no control over events or situations.  No amount of self-help books are going to change the fact that they happen.  In these cases, they do take a toll on us and going through the necessary grieving process seems to be what helps us move on or cope in healthy ways.

 Recently, I heard Sam Seifert speak.  His topic touched briefly on life expectations.  He likened it to a puzzle. (Very timely - over the holidays, we've been working tirelessly on an intricate puzzle.)  When one looks at the cover of the puzzle box, there is a clear understanding of what to expect for the finished product. Every piece is an integral part of the picture. You wouldn't expect that the box that shows a picture of the Eiffel Tower would suddenly result in the CN Tower. It just doesn't work that way.

If we were to see our life on the cover of a puzzle box, what would we expect to see?  Many of us live our lives seeing a certain picture and when we attempt to piece it together, it isn't anything that we envisioned it to be. Sometimes, we see exactly what we want to see but, sometimes not.  If our expectations are not met (for whatever reason) we re-act. That could play out in many ways - anger, confusion, frustration, fear, sadness, and stress.  I imagine there are times when we feel that we have been handed a life that totally sucks and yet, when we take the time to analyze it, compare it to others' situations, we see that perhaps it's actually a lot better than we thought. 


Seifert mentioned how we can be doing all the right things, yet at times, it feels that nothing seems to happening for us (good or bad).  Sometimes, there just seems to be silent times in our lives. And, maybe, that is what we need - a time to wait and to trust.  Often, we are so much in a hurry for change and a quick fix that we jump into situations far too quickly.  Rest and times of reflection are not such bad things to make a part of our life.

There may even be times when we can be so focused on ourselves and "our puzzle" that we "miss the bigger picture".  We can get selfish, without meaning to.  It is important to be healthy and positive in how our life puzzle looks, but we don't live on an island and inspite of what some might think, we do need others in our lives.  Focusing solely on ourself, might be a quick fix but in the long haul, for most people, its a lonely way to live out our life. 

Taking time to stay true to who you are and what you believe to be true are often hard, but important.  There can be times, when out of desperation, we race around like a hamster on a wheel.  Who doesn't have times when we feel like we need some space to think and go to for rest.  If the puzzle box shows family and peace being your focus and your life is anything but, then maybe it's time to re-think a few things.

A little while ago, I talked about Designing Boards. Having a goal or positive things to reach for (or remind us) may be a very good thing for a lot of us. It's easy to feel you have no options or maybe anything positive happening. Visual reminders are a good thing for many of us. Seeing photos or the printed word of great things that are going on around us can be a terrific way to lift us up or re-route us. I think this may be an especially helpful thing if one doesn't have the benefit of good moral support.

About a month ago, I came across a neat Facebook post from a former co-worker, Linda.  Like anything, it will take time, but I thought it was something worth mentioning. The Jar of Awesome.

The premise is that over the course of the year, you fill your jar with awesome thoughts (big and small) of things that have made a difference in your life or lives of others. It's meant to be a tangible reminder of all the good things in our lives. Very easy to lose sight of the good amongst the not so good.

This past year, my year-long motto was, "First Things First!"  It was a good one for me.  It played a big part of keeping me half-way sane and reminding me daily that I had to make sure I dealt with the most important things.  On the days I by-passed my mantra, it usually didn't go so well.   This coming year, I've got a new one. 

However, I've adapted it a little for me.  Life IS Plan B. I think that when things don't go well, we forget that we often have very little control over how most things will turn out.  Our head tells us  - plan, follow through, and things should go a certain way and that's that. Not unlike baking a cake - you follow the recipe and it should work.  99% of the time it does, but the 1% of the time it doesn't, it will almost always happen when you are taking it somewhere for someone to enjoy.  

Training yourself to see that Life is rarely 100% predictable, is somewhat freeing.  Try to appreciate that it's mostly good but don't stew if things end up having to change.  Like our family puzzle - got all the way to the end, and we ended up with a couple of pieces that didn't fit.  So - somewhere along the line, pieces were shoved into a spot to make them fit.  That meant, using a magnifying glass to find the wrong pieces and make some changes.  Frustrating but not the end of the world.  Change isn't always so bad - it's just seems that it's seldom convenient.  It's a good reminder that life is constantly changing, evolving, if you will.

Learning to go with the flow and even to lighten up is something people are always talking about but seldom doing on a regular basis. Striving for that may not make you live longer but the life you have may be a lot of more joyful and peaceful.

 Food for Thought: 

What's on YOUR Puzzle Box?  Think about that from time to time.  It's ok that it doesn't look the same forever and ever.  Life is a lot more interesting and maybe even just bearable for some when we don't get stuck in the same picture all the time. 

 There's that little proverb that reminds us that, "For everything there is a season - a time for every purpose under the sun."

Hope to see you next Sunday - not totally sure - off to visit my parents for the first week of the New Year and if we are having a busy time, my puzzle box cover will be focusing on them! 






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MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Since I’ve saved one week in my blogging year to have a break, it will be this week!  Enjoy the holiday season – whether it be with family and/or friends or simply some quiet time on your own.  This time of year looks very different for everyone – however you spend it, may it ultimately be a time of personal reflection, peace and physical rest. 

Our crazy busy world seems to always be spinning out of control,  often taking us along for the ride.  The truth is . . . the world is doing what it's always done.  Rotating around the sun.  Whether we admit it or not, we are the ones that have been a big part of allowing  the non-stop chaos, media, peer pressure / the "Joneses" in our lives, etc. to take away our voices and choices.  Time to take them back, I think.  See you next week – as we start into a new year of making it so. 

 

  Merry Christmas to all

and to all

a Good Night!

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FAITH, FAMILY, FRIENDS! - CHALLENGE #34

        ‘Tis the Season . . .

I know for many, this time of year does not evoke fond memories or good cheer.  Faith, Family and Friends may not even be remotely on their radar screen when it comes to Happy Holidays.  Maybe happy anything, itself isn't even on their agenda.   Christmas (or any holiday/event) can be instrumental in bringing on some of the worst depression or sadness imaginable.   I truly am saddened to hear that.  Poor health, losing someone special, and financial and job stresses can absolutely take the joy right out of you when you contemplate celebrating the holidays. 

I also know that some prefer to just get through the season and it has nothing to do with sadness or depression.  They have very little use for holidays, celebrations, family, friends, and / or faith and they like it that way just fine, thank you.   I'm not like that, don't want to be like that, but can respect that (even if I don't understand it).   I'm never quite sure how to respond to people like that, though.  I guess I do what some people would do, avoid them or limit my time with them.  Sometimes, it's ok to not surround yourself all the time with people that make you uncomfortable.  I've always felt that was unkind to think that way but now I'm not so sure.  It's important to be gracious to people, but you don't have to agree or like everything other people say.   So .... you do what you can and you have to be fine with what you can reasonably do.   Guilt is not a good thing.  Self-preservation is. 


FAITH - probably the biggest encouragement I get when it comes to handling life.  Maybe I'm one of those anomalies people hear about who gets up early to read their devotions/bible and journals prayers for those in my life.  My journal is filled with sadness, hearbreak, inspiration and joy.  Sounds strange, perhaps but that's just how it is.  My prayers have taken me on journeys I hadn't expected (or necessarily liked at the time) and they have shown me that there is more to me than I had ever imagined.  

I understand that faith and prayer aren't everyone's cup of tea.  To be quite honest, there was a time in my life when they weren't mine either.  But, over the years, I have seen enough to convince me that what goes on around me in life has rarely been left to chance or coincidence.  I have come to learn (through some difficult lessons) that I have very little control over most things in life but there is a real peace and comfort knowing that in this part of my life, I have some ownership.  I think we all have some kind of a moral compass within us - what it looks like, how it's lived out, and how we choose to navigate through life . . . well - that choice needs to be ours.  Can't say I have all the answers, for sure.  Nor, will I likely ever have them . . . but I'm ok with that.  My faith journey has been huge in defining who I am and why I do what I do.  I'm probably a long way off from where I will eventually end up, but that's what a work in progress is all about.  Keeps us humble . .. I hope.

FAMILY - now this is an area that can be like nails on a chalkboard.  We have them in our lives, but sometimes, we wished we didn't.  There may be times when our family can bring us to the brink of craziness!!!!  Stages and phases.  Family is important - no matter what the "world" says.  Recently, there have been bizarre numbers of killings through Canada and the States involving family.  Why in the world would this be happening.  People have their theories, but it's just so sad that what should be a nurturing and loving environment should become anything but.  Heartbreaking, really.  The message I am getting from this  . . . everything important starts at home.  Your faith, your relationships, love, kindness, respect, etc.  If you can't or won't take time to get "home" running the way it was intended to, then the important stuff probably won't run well outside the home.  Eventually, the cards come tumbling down.
 

I can appreciate that lots of people do not come from healthy or functional homes. We can't always do much about our past, but we CAN do something about our present and our future.  Some need to make some tough choices about how this has to happen - a new journey, always begins with the first step.

 
FRIENDS - If I'm going to drop the ball, this would be the one.  Most people complain of not having enough hours in the day - can't say that I have heard anyone say, "Wow - I just have so much free time.  24/7 of endless time.  Yeah!"   So, if you are going to have to "find" time, putting friends on hold is probably what will happen.  I realize that for some, their friends are often closer than their family.  Not so for me.  It would make me very sad to think that at the end of my life, my kids said, "You spent more time with Susie (or whoever) than you did with us.  We wished we saw more of you."  However, friends ARE a key area in our life and sometimes, we really do need to make more of an effort.  Friends can often be the anchor we need, the sounding board that helps us to blow off steam, and an opportunity to remember who we are, when we aren't busy being a spouse, parent, child, in-law, co-worker, volunteer, etc. 

If there is a time crunch that keeps us from making these areas of our lives a priority - maybe some things need to change in our life to accommodate that.  

Lately, work has taken over and the stress that is happening there is filtering down to my home and personal life.  What to do.   Well - I have the benefit of a great sounding board in my husband.  We've had some good heart to hearts on where and why this all happening.  It's easy to forget our proper priorities.   For some, it might even be easy to intentionally "forget" them.  But, as I've said before, sometimes we can't see the trees for the forest.  No one likes to feel like a victim or that your hands are tied.  When you see you have options, it makes such a difference. 

As I head into the New Year, my focus needs to be on changes in the three areas that matter the most to me.  Jobs come and go.  We can be happy wherever we work - fulfillment comes from within.  It's important to pay your bills, for sure - but the balance needs to be there.  So - that will be key for me.  Balancing the good with the great. 

  Food for Thought:

See You Next Week!  



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DESIGN BOARD! - CHALLENGE #33

 

       OR IS IT?    

 

When someone walks into your house . . . what is the first thing they would see? You can often get a good sense of what the rest of the house is like and what the occupants are like from that snapshot glance. That's probably why most people end up waiting outside on the front steps. 

 

I remember stopping off at an acquaintance's house and being taken aback at the nude art greeting me in her front foyer. I wasn't quite sure where to look as it was so BIG and so . . . NUDE.  I could only imagine some poor kids' hockey team canvassing for pop bottles - lol.  I'm sure that would have generated some talk in the van!   Funny.  Sort of.  They were a very avant garde and outspoken household - European with a flare for the bold and beautiful. And yes . . . the rest of their house was exactly as you would imagine. 
 

 

I have mentioned in a past post on surrounding ourselves with things we love and bring us joy.  I am sold on that idea.  Unfortunately, it's not always so straightforward on how one achieves that look. For some it comes easier than others.  Some pay a designer to come in and give them ideas or actually shop for them.  Some bring home random items they love and plant them in places.  I remember a friend once telling me, "You KNOW you can enjoy them at the store and leave them there.  You don't have to buy everything you love!"   Made me laugh but she probably had a good point.  You can have too much stuff.  After a while, it starts to look a little chaotic, so you end up missing the look you might want to achieve.

 

Christmas is a good example.  I have so much in my storage, you'd think I had a "side business" or something.  In the past few years, I have been only taking out a few things and I have to say, the ambience is a little nicer.  It's pretty easy to go overboard.  The smaller your rooms, the better it is to not overkill.  "More" is not necessarily, better. 

 

Something I have come across a while back was a Designing Board.  I have also seen Vision Boards (they go by other names, too) - same sort of idea but more of a focus on "life" and not so much on decorating your home.  Vision boards are an interesting idea, but many can be a little too "New Age" for me.  I think they have a cool jumping off point, though - collect pictures and sayings of how you want your life to unfold. 

Some people have had some pretty unsuccessful / difficult / traumatic events in their life and "envisioning" something more positive can inspire or motivate them to turn things around.  It's quite amazing how we can continue to move in the same negative direction and not realize it.  Sometimes, it's just nice to be reminded or encouraged.

These boards can have quite a range in how they are designed - some are aimed more at physical desires (money, career, clothing, cars, travel, etc. - in essence - a visual bucket list) and some are about personal growth. 

I've seen room designing boards, holiday boards (Christmas, a dream vacation),
favourite quotes / verse / inspiring words 
boards &



wedding boards (all the lovely details one might want for their special day).

Baby boards (designing the Baby's room), Books to I Want to Read boards, etc. - really no end to the possibilities.   It doesn't have to be about perfection . . . it can just be about motivation.  While, I am not a fan of greed or superficial stuff, I think boards like this can get you focused and are a fun way to make things come together.  When you come across a picture or saying (in a magazine or off of a website) cut it out and glue it onto our board.  It could even save you a lot of money in the process. These sorts of boards are helpful in setting goals for yourself.  As time goes on, you might even see that the direction you were going with them, changes.  Having them framed and hanging some place gives you an idea if you are on track. If nothing else, nice decorating and conversation piece!   I'm one of those people that needs visual reminders - out of sight / out of mind.  

I think they are a great "tool" but that's about all I envision them for me.  There are endless web sites that try to impress upon you all sorts of ideas about what these boards can do for you - the main one being, "the law of attraction."  That's code for:  surround yourself with ideas/pictures and the good stuff willl come to you.  For me, I simply like reminders and focus - the fact that I am hanging a board does not mean that if I accomplish them, I will be a millionaire or will "have it all".  Most things in life, take work.  Lots of people look for short cuts but the truth of the matter is, LIFE doesn't usually roll  that way.  Generally speaking, if you want something different to happen, you have to DO something different.

Here is my "cyber Christmas board" - the blog wouldn't allow me to transfer it over from a word document - but it gives you an idea.  Pinterest / Houzz (www.houzz.com) have incredible ideas for Designer Boards. 
 

 

 

 

 

      

 

 

 

 

Food for Thought:                  

 

 

In the end, Beauty (joy) is in the eye (heart) of the beholder.  Whatever board or inspirations you come up with - make it something that is your own you, embraces the kind of presence you want in your home, or simply makes you smile!  

 

  

 

      Note to self: 

Martha Doesn't Live At Our House

and

That's a Good Thing! 

 

See you next week!      

 

 

    

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LEARNING TO LET GO! - CHALLENGE #32

In case it's not obvious to you - on the right is me and on the left is . . . basically everyone else.  I am one of those people that has found it incredibly difficult to give up control or power to pretty much anyone. 
 

 

I'd say I was a PERFECTIONIST, but as I look around my house in the absolute disarray and dare I say, "grime" (it's been a LONG 2 weeks) I find it almost comical to say that I'm a perfectionist (maybe with a small "p").  I still have a room in the basement that needs the bomb squad and a storage area that stores pretty much everything and anything.  Let's just kind of skip past these last few sentences and jump into the heart of all of this. 

 

I seldom can just let things be.  I've had a hard year of learning to be ok with things as they are.  I'm making progress but it's not always an easy go.  However, having said that ... this year (and especially since starting this blog) I have had more opportunities than you could shake a stick at to think on this.  Being intentional in something is a lot harder than I thought it would be.  Not impossible but a lot harder. 

 

I'm not totally sure if it comes from being a mom or if my nature just is that way.  I suspect my hubby, who has known me for a very long time, would say that it's probably a combination of the two. 

 

Being a mom, definitely sets you up to be "in charge", "control the calendar and house routines", not to mention, orchestrate the "to do lists", nurse the sick, heal the blind (just kidding on that one), and delegate chores.  We often dispense the discipline, allowances, homework reminders, and handle the chauffeuring.  So, it's quite easy to see how someone who has to make sure things flow well for the sanity and sake of family order, would find it hard to let go of the authority. 

 

 

 

We ask for help (and often demand it) yet when it comes our way (often in the guise of a husband) we are quick to find fault with or refuse the help.  If I had a nickle for every mom that has told me she wants to be on an island (alone), I think I could probably pay for my own trip to that same island.  We are our own worst enemies, sometimes. 

Some time ago, I shared a quote from a principal I worked with.  "They have to care more than you do."   Or maybe, it's just, "they have to own their own problem - let it be!"  Oh, I think I hear John Lennon in the background.
 
So true.  I have hounded, berated, scolded, and practically begged some of my kids for various reasons only to have them shrug their shoulders and let the pieces fall where they may.  Clearly, whatever the issue was, it mattered more to me than them. Or perhaps, they just got used to me fixing it or looking after it - a personal valet, of sorts.  Can't blame them really, if the pattern sets it up that way.


My hubby was and still is, very good at letting our kids learn the lessons they need to learn - painful or not.  I, on the other hand, struggle with letting that happen.  I want them to learn but not painfully (that's the Mom in me, I guess).  My kids are great and because I don't want others to see them in a negative light, I am sure there have been times I've done them a disservice by not letting them experience some learning as a natural consequence.  Note to self:  others' failure to take something seriously or follow through on what needs to be done, doesn't reflect on me, either.  It is more importantly, a teaching experience.  We all talk about the importance of that, but often "in the moment", we do forget. 


Same with the giving of responsibility and then taking it back.  THAT I am sorely guilty of.  Again . . . I don't want them to "miss their bus" and have to walk in -15 degree weather, go hungry because they've forgotten their lunch, miss out on a fun activity because they've not thought ahead and taken money out of the bank, etc.  How many of us have given our kids responsibilty for something and then end up re-doing it or just plain doing it? 


I suppose it's true that with me or without me hounding them, they will grow up.  I expect they will go on to be productive citizens and good employees, spouses and parents.  Why do I say that?  Well, hopefully, they will have figured out once they've left home that it never really was about taking the easy route - it was about doing what it took to instill a good work ethic and realizing that being a part of a family meant something.  Seriously, it would be so much easier and less stressful for most of us to just be deadbeat / slackard parents.
  

Life is a constant learning experience - we never know how they will travel it, until .... they do.  We certainly don't have the assurance of a crystal ball into their future anymore than
we have a guarantee that
chaining them to their math textbook will ensure they use it to study.  In the end, we do our best, love them and empower (not push, pull and drag) them in age appropriate ways.  I am a work in progress.   Learning to let go may conceivably be a life long lesson for some of us (but I sure hope not).


It is really quite insulting to give someone responsiblity and take it back.  Ouch - let me just raise my hand here!  It says, "I don't have confidence in you."  In the work force or on committees, we've all probably worked with people that dole out the tasks and then hound us or look over our shoulder.  'Allowing' people to slip up are opportunities for growth.  We don't strive to be the one that waits for them to mess up and then get to say, "I told you so".  That's not reflective of good parenting or teamwork. 

                                                                        
"Rescuing" others doesn't teach anyone anything either - other than there is always a safety net at the bottom, so don't worry about giving it your best shot.  We never know what they are capable of, if we don't let them step out.  

I've often been a tyrant with the studying - sitting at the table and getting it done.  It's worked but I've become the homework police.  My better half feels that internal motivation is one of the measuring sticks for people's success. Some kids (or adults) just seem to have that natural bent.  But, for those that don't . . . letting them feel a few of those consequences, with loving (and not overpowering) guidance is probably a better route to go.




Food for Thought:

  

"Don't let go too soon

and don't hang on too long."

                      Mitch Albom

                                                                                     


See you next week!             
 

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